In Retrospect
by 2M
Summary: In retrospect, it wasn’t such a great idea after all. “Che! There is no way Yullen is a type of soba!” “Of course it isn’t, Yu-chan! Now what made you think of that?”
1. Do it like 007

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**Summary:** In retrospect, it wasn't such a great idea after all. "Che! There is no way Yullen is a type of soba!" "Of course it isn't, Yu-chan! Now what made you think of that?"

**A/N: **I got hit with this particular idea while I was ice skating… it struck me as particularly funny, so now I shall subjugate you all to it, although, now that I think of it, pairing parodies aren't that original anymore… please review if you enjoyed it, or have words of advice… or even if you hated it…

* * *

Chapter 1: Do it like 007

The hallways of the Black Order, notorious for their echoing emptiness, were, as always, relatively unoccupied, aside from a single figure scurrying stealthily down the marble walkway. Lavi shuffled down the corridor, his back pressed against the wall as he attempted to sneak through the shadows.

The redhead cast a furtive glance down both sides of the hallway and mentally congratulated himself, for the first time, he, Lavi, had successfully evaded receiving any harm at the hands of one, Kanda Yu, after successfully pulling off a prank that involved the said pursuer/attacker. Lavi smirked to himself. He really should do this stealthy ninja thing more often.

The bookman slid quietly down the hallway, turned the corner and made a sprint for the Science Department, diving into the expansive room and somersaulting on paper strewn floor a few times before he sprang up and resumed stealthily sneaking.

"…h-hey look, Tap…" a delirious Johnny Gill peered at Lavi through drooping eyes, "…it's James Bond."

Lavi grinned and continued the task of slowly inching under the tables. His plans were foiled when there was a loud crash overhead as Section Chief Komui landed heavily on the section of table he was about to slide under.

Lavi watched with wide eyes as the segment of table immediately began gaining cracks, which were multiplying at an alarming rate. Komui has gained a lot of weight recently, Lavi mused as he hastily backed up on all fours from underneath the desk.

"EVERYONE!" Komui's added weight was actually courtesy of a machine of some sort he was holding, and the cracks were further widened by the Section Chief's invigorated bunny hops on the table, "LOOK! I HAVE SUCESSFULLY CONNECTED THE BLACK ORDER WITH THE INTERNET!" He twirled and waited for the gathered people to congratulate his genius, "Well?"

"Uh," Lavi scratched his head and wondered how Komui had used a word that was out of the bounds of his own expansive vocabulary, "What's the internet?"

"Ah-ha!" Komui jumped again, "Since you asked so nicely, I'll let you be the first one to use it, Lavi!"

The lucky winner in question was propelled towards Komui by Science Department members, who were all relieved that they had not been singled out for whatever excruciating torture that lay in store for the exorcist, and the redhead fervently wished that he hadn't decided to ditch the ninja charade.

"Come on Lavi," Reever whispered in the exorcist's ear, "You can spare an ear for Komui's self idolization, can't you?"

"Uh, I normally wouldn't," the redhead replied cheekily, "but since you've got a really sharp pen pressed into my side, I see I have no choice but to acquiesce."

"You see—" before Komui could resume stroking his own ego, as predicted, the table gave out and snapped in half, as predicted.

* * *

After Komui was extracted from the rubble, he quickly hooked the heavy machine to a few of the floating screens. The Science Department head sat his test subject before the screen and told him to click on an 'e' with a halo around it.

Reever passed by with a stack of files and whispered to Lavi conspiratorially, "If it attacks you or even begins moving, blow it to bits." The Science Department member's jaded expression spoke of untold, probably painful, experiences.

Lavi looked around for rescue, but seeing none, tentatively clicked the mouse, and soon, a screen popped up. On this aforementioned screen, a word began forming. After a few seconds, the word 'Yahoo!' popped up complete with an animation of bunnies. Lavi raised his eyebrows, "Yahoo?"

"It's a homepage," Komui blustered, reveling in the fact that he had a bit of information that the redhead did not possess.

Lavi scanned the rest of the page, which had slowly materialized, "Angelina Jolie is not having twins? Kristy Yamaguchi won Dancing with the Stars? What the heck?" he leveled his single eyed, green gaze at Komui, "You're not screwing with me, are you?"

Komui merely smiled happily and twirled off, "Have fun! I'm going to polish Komurin III now."

Lavi briefly considered just dumping the entire contraption out of the window, when a small rectangular box caught his attention, it was labeled 'Search'.

"Search, eh?" Lavi smiled gleefully and did the thing that all sentient beings do when placed before a search box, he typed in someone's name. The being whom this particular name belonged to happened to be a certain white haired exorcist who was most likely gorging himself in the cafeteria.

"Allen Walker," Lavi muttered as he typed out the name and hit 'Enter'.

The screen changed and he saw a long list of related topics, "Hm…" Lavi scrolled down the list until one caught his attention and he clicked into it.

The redhead bent his face closer to the screen to read the minute letters that sprawled across the monitor. Halfway through the page, he stopped reading and his eyes took on a glazed quality as he attempted to digest the information that he had just taken in. Lavi's mouth opened and closed, for once, speechless. After a few more seconds of shell-shocked silence, Lavi started laughing hysterically.

Johnny Gill's head shot up at the sound of Lavi's laughter and he turned, panicked, towards Reever, "Quick! The bucket! I think that Komui's invention has damaged Lavi's mental stability!"

Without breaking stride, Reever snagged a bucket of water that had been conveniently placed for just this sort of occasion and dumped the icy contents over Lavi's head.

The redhead immediately stopped laughing. "Geh!" he turned towards his attacker, "What the hell was that for?" Lavi attempted to wring out his soppy scarf.

"Oh," Reever was already filling a second bucket, "Your mental health is still stable."

"What?" Lavi turned to look at Reever, before he reconsidered his reaction, "On second thought, I don't want to know." He sighed and turned back to the contraption before him, looked at the page and applied all his will not to keep laughing.

Reever scratched his head bemusedly before shuffling off to deliver another stack of paperwork to Komui.

Lavi re-read the page several times and gradually, his green eye narrowed gleefully as he considered a brilliant new joke to play. The exorcist clicked around the site a couple of times and after collecting all the information possible, Lavi closed shop and arrowed straight for the cafeteria.

The redhead hoped the Jerry was serving the Meatball Special today. Otherwise, he might end up searching the entire Black Order for the elusive Destroyer of Time. Lavi wasn't in a Tomb Raider mood at that particular date.

* * *

Despite the lack of meatballs and special, Allen was still perched at a long table and stuffing himself from a huge array of plates at an impossible speed, one that would make dishwashers all over the world want to burn him at the stake.

"Hey, Allen!" Lavi ran lightly over to his fellow exorcist, "Come with me!" He grabbed the Allen by the arm, as it flailed around in the air, drumstick in hand, and began tugging him in the desired direction.

"H-h-hey! What are you doing Lavi?" Allen yanked his hand from Lavi's grasp and stuffed the rest of the drumstick in his mouth, "I'm trying to eat."

"I'm going to show you something better than food," Lavi tried his hardest to form an innocent expression on his face and found that it was unusually hard to create that particular feature on his generally malleable bookman face.

"There is nothing," Allen declared firmly, "better than food."

"Or is there?" Lavi's single eye gleamed.

"No," Allen replied firmly.

"Uh…" Lavi considered possible penchants of the white haired exorcist that could hold a candle to his love for food, "Lenalee's skirt?"

"What about my skirt?" the Chinese exorcist happened to pop in at that exact moment of the conversation, like she was prone to do. She smiled warmly at the two boys, spinning slightly with a light tap of her new shoes.

"It's long," Lavi informed her seriously, "Try wearing something shorter."

Allen unconsciously blushed at the thought and managed to stutter a, "I-I think it's just fine, Lenalee," as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Like hell you do," Lavi piped, draping a friendly arm around the still munching exorcist's shoulder, "If your blushing face is any indication of that."

"L-L-Lavi!" Allen put his hands to his steaming face.

The apprentice bookman grinned and asked innocently, "That aside, how about Yu-chan in a skirt?"

Allen decided that one more comment and he would lose his lunch, "What?!"

"I was saying—" Allen was mercifully rescued from further torment when Lenalee clamped a hand over Lavi's mouth.

* * *

"Anyway," Lavi, after removing several dishes, had settled on the bench next to Allen, "I discovered something interesting today."

Lenalee sighed, shaking her head of newly grown curls sadly, "Something tells me that we have different definitions of the word 'interesting'." She stood up and moved gracefully away from the table, calling over her shoulder to Allen, "If he torments you, dump a bucket of water on his head."

Lavi gave an overdramatic sob, "Lenalee!" he cried in a haunting imitation of Komui, "You don't love me anymore, do you?" he continued in a wailing tone, "I thought we had something special!"

Lenalee didn't dignify the comment with a reply.

Lavi immediately reverted to normal, at least, as normal as Lavi could get, after Lenalee's last dark curl cleared the door, "Anyways, come with me!" This time, the redhead refused to take 'no' for an answer and Allen soon found himself being bodily dragged down the hallway to the Science Department.

"W-what are you showing me?" Allen stumbled after the enthused apprentice bookman.

Lavi grinned, "Porn."

Allen stopped in his tracks.

"Just kidding," Lavi smiled, "You're too innocent for that kind of stuff." He zigzagged through the paper-strewn floor of the Science Department and finally dragged Allen to a screen that was hooked up to a strange looking contraption.

"Uh, what's this?" Allen blinked as Lavi made a window pop up on the screen, "Who's Angelina Jolie?"

"That's not the important part," Lavi grinned and his rapidly typed something into the search bar and clicked a few times, "Look."

"What," Allen peered at the screen, "Arekan? Is that the name of an evil overlord?"

"I'm afraid not, Allen," Lavi grinned, "Keep reading."

"Allen and Kanda…" Allen's voice trailed off and he screamed in agony.

"See? Isn't it interesting?" Lavi chirped happily.

The white haired exorcist merely stared blankly at the screen and twitched every few seconds.

Johnny noticed. "THE BUCKET!" the bespectacled science department member screamed. And this time, the bucket wasn't needlessly applied.

* * *

A drenched Allen pointed a shaking finger at Lavi, "W-w-what was that?" he demanded, while trembling uncontrollably, and his apparent Parkinson's wasn't due to the fact that he was soaked to the bone.

"Fanfiction," Lavi hummed happily, "The most written about paring of the fan writers, Allen Walker and Kanda Yu."

Allen flinched at the words, his eyes returning to their earlier stupor, and resumed rocking back and forth, singing softly to himself, before another bucketful of water came his way.

* * *

**A/N: **And there ends my first chapter… reviews are greeted with tears of unadulterated joy and I really need to know if you guys enjoyed my pathetic little tale at all. Oh and the next chapter is called "for the fans"… does that clue you in on what's going to happen?


	2. for the fans

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**Chapter Summary:** "Do it for the fans! If not for your own personal happiness!" Conclusion: Never, ever, let Lavi talk to you. Heck, make sure that there's a giant lava pit separating you from him.

**A/N: **Hi… it's me again… I've been crying tears of unadulterated joy for a while now… Thanks for all the reviews… (Dabs cheek with tissues)… There's a bit of language in this one, since our favorite personality shows up. Yep, now there's a third character and things get more interesting…

**Disclaimer: **I decided to write one for the heck of it… but don't expect to see one in the future—If I owned D.Gray-man, it would probably not be worth owning…(Ah, the sad, sad story of my life…)

* * *

Chapter 2: for the fans

Deep within the bowels of the Black Order, or in the most isolated tower, since the said location of this place varies from horror movie to horror movie, is the room of an exorcist so terrible, that finders die from looking at his face. Yes, it within the tiny patch of hell on earth, conveniently slotted into a 250 square foot room, that the foul-mouthed Japanese exorcist Kanda Yu resides.

Although, according to Lenalee, it's actually on the fifth floor landing, is slightly Spartan in style and has a cracked windowpane. The only object out of place in the cold environment is a pale pink lotus in an hourglass.

As for the reason this strange, floral, _girlish_ object resided in the room, Lavi had asked, and nearly got strangled. So, the Order members had given up on trying to decipher its secrets and decided to leave it to Hoshino or Komui to reveal, whichever cracked under torture first.

At this point of the conversation, as they begin to drift from the topic of Kanda's evil aura and land into the topic of candlesticks, Allen would pop in and, attempting to further stain the bane of his existence's record, add that there is such an ominous aura in the room that the flower had to be sealed up; otherwise it would wither in Kanda's presence, like everything else does. Then Lenalee would point to Lavi. And a debate ensues. And Allen slinks off with his game face on.

At _that_ moment, Kanda Yu was once again holed up in his room, as he sat on his bed staring blankly at the wall, recharging and brooding.

"Damn that usagi!" he muttered aloud, as he sulked over the last prank that Lavi had apparently pulled on him. After all, Lavi was the only one who would decide to pour strange serums into the baths. It wouldn't be the first time.

Kanda briefly wondered if he would ever go out of his room…

No.

Not after last nights events. He was going to stay here until this whole debacle blew over. Because there was no fucking way that he was going—

_Growl…_

The samurai flinched as he began feeling hunger pangs, since the last time he had eaten something had been two days ago. Kanda snarled, he was not getting hungry… he was not… he was…

_Growl…_

So… hungry…

Kanda grimaced, dark eyes narrowing with anger as his long fingers tried to strangle thin air. Was it a possible side effect of that serum? Damn that Lavi!

The dark haired man glowered at the wall and mentally listed all the possible torture devices that he could employ on the redhead. It made him feel better. Slightly.

Kanda mentally smacked himself after he began to list things that could use demolition, getting angry was just going to make his hunger pangs worse, and if he was going to survive this fast, he needed to compose himself. The dark haired man closed his eyes and took a deep breath, searching out for a meditative state.

Don't think about anything, close your mind…

_Growl…_

A pale fist smashed itself against the wall. Damn!

He could see it in all its glory, a steaming bowl of Jerry's soba. Unconsciously Kanda reached out for it. He extended his fingers, but the bowl slid across an imaginary table and he jerked forward more violently and…

"BAM!"

The dark haired boy toppled off his bed, arms still outstretched, and slammed against the cold flagstones that comprised of his room's floor.

"Fuck this!" Kanda decided that right now, he was hungry enough to not give a damn what others thought. The cold-eyed youth grabbed his exorcist jacket and Mugen.

Kanda Yu stormed, forth vision clouded in a haze of fury, and he was quite the sight to see, a bright aura surrounding him and gathering the attention of those he charged by.

He could hear them laughing silently as he passed and wondered how the word of last night's debacle had gotten around so fast.

It hadn't, but how was the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order to know that?

And it should be mentioned that they weren't laughing _at_ him, or even _with_ him, they were actually greeting him with smiles and waves. Which was strange. You did not smile and wave at the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order. You cowered in fear and prayed that he did not decapitate you.

But the problem being, that they didn't know it was the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order.

But then, even the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order didn't know of his title, so maybe it wasn't the strange. But the love confessions were. Good thing the confessioners never really did catch up with him.

It was beyond paranormal.

It was…

_Growl…_

* * *

_Splash!_

In the Science Department the sleep-deprived members of the branch had formed a scraggly, but militant, bucket brigade and were pouring bucket loads of water on a traumatized Allen. Most of them missed, since it's hard to aim correctly when you haven't slept for the last week, but enough water had landed on Allen to knock him out of his fit and fill his shoes with water.

"Okay," the white haired exorcist dodged another spray of water and sneezed, his pale features scrunching in consternation, "I'm fine now!"

He flinched as he felt something move in his boot and fished out a goldfish. Apparently, a delirious Science Department member had deposited Tap's goldfish bowl onto the British boy. Allen wondered if the department workers didn't need this particular exercise more than he did, "You can stop trying to drown me now!"

Still, it rained in the Department room, its members uncaring that their documents were already inundated beyond repair.

"I'M FINE NOW!" Allen tried to make a break for it. All credit to him, he nearly reached the threshold, sprinting with the last reserves of his strength, but was forcibly restrained by people who were past caring about anything.

"T-this is for your own good, Allen!" Tap and a group of others mercilessly pinned the white haired boy down.

Allen flailed helplessly; he was seriously going to become hypothermic if this went on. The exorcist resigned himself to his fate as another assault came his way… and was blocked by an umbrella. A pink, frilly umbrella that was so out of place, it was almost comical. If Allen didn't know better, he would have ran through a list of the items he had consumed that morning, just to check that he hadn't unwittingly munched on some hallucinogens.

"Top of the morning to you, miss," Lavi tipped an imaginary hat in a mockingly gallant fashion and held the umbrella over Allen's head, "May I help you over this puddle?"

Allen wasn't usually prone to random acts of violence, but at that moment, he could have decapitated Lavi, in a very Kanda like manner.

Kanda!

Allen's entire body tensed up and he fell back into his stupor.

"Brigade Six! Deploy your ammunition!"

"Jeez…" Lavi collected his parasol and, opening it to its frilly pink expanse, tilted it over his own head of flaming red curls, "We hadn't even gotten to the doujinshi yet."

* * *

"Raincoat."

"Check."

"Boots."

"Check."

"Umbrella."

"Check."

Allen surveyed the supplies laid out before him, "This should be enough."

He quickly donned the bright yellow rain apparel, while casting a furtive eye around for any Science Department member who might consider wearing a yellow, rubber duck emblazoned hat that was too sizes too small, as a sign of psychosis. Although, privately, Allen would have long dunked himself into a tank of water, if he hadn't been safeguarding himself from this very occurrence.

"Hm… Angelina Jolie _is_ having twins?" Lavi had returned to browsing the Internet, "Wow, can't these people get things straight?"

"Throw that _thing _into the abyss," Allen was surrounded by an ominous aura as would've looked quite scary if he wasn't dressed in yellow raingear that was suited for a seven year old. Instead, he took a step forward and his shoe quacked.

Lavi grinned, "Oh… you don't want your dirty little secret to get out… and instead it's bounced all over the web?"

Allen had another animalistic urge, "Off. Now."

"Sheesh," Lavi was all for the part of the recalcitrant teenager, "You don't have to yell Mom. You're starting to sound like Dad."

"Mom…? Dad…?" Allen puzzled over the strange utterance, "I thought your parents were…"

"You really should get your brain scanned, Mom," Lavi hit the print button on the machine.

Allen connected the dots.

"BUCKET BRIGADE EIGHTEEN! TURN ON THE HOSE! MAXIMUM POWER!"

Immediately a powerful beam of sanity restorer hit Allen, and no amount of yellow plastic was going to block that kind of attack

"This is getting really old," Lavi shuffled the newly printed papers in his hand, "I'll be back when Allen regains consciousness," he informed no one in particular and sauntered out of the room.

* * *

"So… Allen… are you going to confess to Kanda?" Lavi smiled innocently, all sunbeams and happy little cupids. Passing Order inhabitants backed slowly away from the bookman in training, because there is something positively _wrong_ when a healthy teenage boy is surrounded by rainbows.

The subject of his query slowly backed away, bumping into a bookshelf, "You know I hate your guts, don't you?"

"I love you too, Allen," was the cheerful, rainbow filled reply, "but in a totally inappropriate way, of course."

Allen gave him an extremely ugly look, and wondered if Lavi was channeling a particular purple dinosaur, "You have a sick, sick mind."

"Well, if not for your own personal happiness, do it for the fans out there!" Lavi wound up his pitch.

"No," Allen was adamant.

"It would be a service to humanity!"

"How would me… and… Kanda…" Allen struggled for an appropriate descriptor and settled for none, "…service humanity?"

"Ratings…?" Lavi suggested.

"Did someone drop you on the head while you were a baby?" Allen snapped back, his patience severely drained by the ordeal of the last few hours.

Lavi's eyes glinted and he dropped his bait, "Well, if you and Kanda were to service humanity, I would pay off all the debts you have left from General Cross."

Allen contemplated the tantalizing offer, "…n-n-no… I must not let him get to me…" Allen groaned, "…Too… tempting… must… resist…" the Destroyer of Time squeezed his eyes shut, "I-I-I wont… I'LL DO IT!" the last part burst out of his lips before he knew what he was saying.

Lavi's green eye widened, what a sick and twisted apprenticeship Allen must have, to take a joke proposal seriously.

Allen was mentally preparing himself, "…If I don't like Kanda, I will die. If I don't like Kanda, I will die. If I don't like Kanda, I will die."

"Wow… that's called taking things to extremes…" Lavi took a sip of coffee.

Allen had moved on from mantras to self-hypnotism, "You are getting sleepy…" he waved Timcampy in front of his face. In the end, Allen miscalculated and he was left in a trance like state with Lavi sitting next to him, the golden golem dangly limply from his disfigured hand.

The redhead smiled mischievously, a beam of sunshine dancing over his face, "Allen…" he whispered in his best spooky voice, "…Can you hear me?"

"Y-yes…" the sleeping exorcist mumbled back.

"When you wake up, you will become instantly become a Yu Kanda fangirl," Lavi confided in the unfortunate Mister Walker, "Understand?"

"Understood…" Allen mumbled back.

Lavi couldn't resist, "… and you will cosplay Kanda and mercilessly stalk him."

"BUCKET BRIGADE!" Johnny popped in and ruined the remainder of Lavi's fun.

"Sheesh," Reever stalked by with a bucket, "Allen should really get a restraining order on you, Lavi."

No one heard Lavi mumble, "You will now awaken."

The bookman in training sighed as he waded away through the floor of soggy paper in the Science Department, "And I hadn't even gotten to the part on erotic fantasies."

* * *

**A/N:** Dun! And the chapter's over, did it go in a different direction than you may have suspected?

The next chapter is called, "Pranking Mr. Personality." Sorry about dropping you guys off at a cliffhanger, concerning Kanda, but now I'm going to write about the multiple plots that surround the Black Order's portable evil aura maker… the conspiracy extends deeper than Kanda's brain can wrap around… Plus, we'll also find out about he papers that Lavi had…

Oh and if you review, I might tell you what the last word was at the end of the Kanda section that I decided to drop. Yep, I'm going to tell you what "It" was (And "It" was not "Growl"). Speaking of reviews…

Thanks so much for reviews! They are the joy of my life, the apple of my eye… the… yep, the things that unleash the cliché remarks of my heart.


	3. Shake it!

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**Chapter Summary:** "Kanda! You need to deal with your issues! You don't have to make Allen love you by trying to make yourself something you're not! And resorting to drag too!" Lenalee takes big sister business seriously and apparently she's gotten fixitated on the idea that Kanda harbored love for the beansprout.

**A/N: **If you've noticed, I ended up changing the title of the chapter from the original 'Pranking Mr. Personality' to 'Shake it!' because I was having so much fun messing around with the entire gang that I ended up not getting to the 'Pranking' part, which has been bumped back, although I've scrapped the title.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own "Hips Don't Lie"... Shakira does. (I'm getting really off topic, aren't I?)

* * *

Chapter 3: Shake it!

In his secluded office, Komui Lee scribbled on a piece of paper, his pen moving in lazy arcs as he reveled in the sudden free time. According to his clock, this was about the time that Reever should burst in, and throw a piano at him.

Komui pouted, this wasn't any fun, he had already taken several luxurious naps, snoring as loudly as possible, and the Australian man still hadn't appeared and thrown some verbal tidbit on Lenalee's love life towards him.

Unless…

Come to think of it, Lenalee wasn't here with her customary cup of coffee either.

Komui sprang up in his seat, "IMPOSSIBLE!" he cried, already arming himself with an array of lethal weaponry, "There is NO way that my sweet Lenalee is eloping with Reever!" Ignoring his earlier rejection of the notion, Komui added, "I have to stop this satanic union! I HAVE TO!"

So saying, Komui finished reloading all of his bazookas and cannons and marched for the door, sobbing hysterically and screaming, "I OBJECT!"

His mind filling itself with delusional images, Komui made a rush for the door and slammed into the wall next to it, missing the door by several feet.

He backed up and repeated the move.

"OH!" Komui screamed hysterically, tears obscuring his vision, "YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME WITH THESE PUNNY TACTICS, REEVER? WELL, THINK AGAIN!" So saying, Komui widened the door with a burst of gunfire and sprinted out of newly created, gaping hole in the wall, past Reever himself, who was dumping buckets of water on Allen.

Komui rubbed away his tears as he exited the Science Department and headed for the nearest closed door. He opened the door and his gunfire, screaming, "I OBJECT!" until he realized that the victims of his one man firing squad were actually a group of poker playing Finders, "Oh, sorry," He adjusted his glasses as he gazed down at the pile of groaning Finders, whose game had drawn to an unexpected conclusion, "Carry on."

Komui turned heel and, with a scream of, "I OBJECT!" would have systematically gone down the hall, opening doors and fire, if he hadn't stumbled into the cafeteria.

He must have made quite a sight, since all the heads turns and conversations were immediately terminated. That is, all the heads turned except for a dark haired one.

There is a moment of pure silence, before all hell breaks loose. There is a clamoring of people throwing plates, screaming, and commando-ing to avoid whatever strange firearm Komui was firing. All expect for one, raven haired, pigtailed head.

Komui's streaming vision focused on this head and he gave a cry of joy. It was Lenalee, or so he thought. Komui rushed the soba-eating exorcist sitting at the table in the far corner, a delusional part of his brain making up reasons as to why his sister had suddenly grown several inches of hair.

"I OBJECT! LENALEE-CHAN! DON'T MARRY THAT SPAWN OF SATAN!"

The pigtailed exorcist did not respond.

Komui neared his target, locked on, and pounced.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HUGGING ME?" there is the unmistakable sound of a katana being removed from its sheath.

One did not embrace the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order without writing a will beforehand.

One needed to be suicidal.

Or not recognize the four time Mr. Personality of the Black Order.

Komui was a mix of both.

* * *

Lenalee stretched and yawned luxuriously. The Chinese exorcist sat up in the bed in her luxuriously appointed quarters and rubbed the sleepiness out of her eyes. She combed her slender fingers through the curtains of her newly grown dark tresses, which were nonetheless still rather on the short side.

"What… time is it…?" she mumbled to herself, momentarily blinded by a burst of sunlight from the window. A hand fumbled for the alarm clock, "Oh… it's two thirty…" Lenalee took some time to digest this new development, "IT'S TWO THIRTY ALREADY!?"

Lenalee was swiftly up and dressed, buttoning up her exorcist jacket as she ran out the door. This had happened before, her oversleeping, and she had woken up to find a completely razed Order as her brother had scrambled to find her while toting weapons of mass destruction.

The Chinese exorcist tentatively peered down the long stretch of the corridor, "No explosions yet…" she heard a loud imploding noise and scattered screams, "Scratch that."

In her haste to avert disaster, she didn't watch where she was running and slid on a note that was placed before her doorway, landing with a thud on the tiles, "Ow…" she picked up the offending item that had caused her spill and noticed her name on it, written in Lavi's immaculate handwriting.

"To Lenalee, my dearest most beloved," she read aloud.

Lenalee was about to dump the note into the trashcan but, out of curiosity, she flipped it open, "It has been worrying me some time that Allen and Kanda have both been acting strange. I've cross-referenced the symptoms and have come to the conclusion that it is true love at work…" Lenalee read the words in a monotone and then did a quick double take, "t-true l-l-love?" she spluttered and began laughing, it was just like Lavi, to send notes that made him sound like he had stumbled into Komui's substance experiment rooms.

She looked down briefly at the paper again and a piece of paper slipped from behind Lavi's note and fluttered slowly to the marble tiles, Lenalee's hand slid in to intercept its journey to the ground.

The Chinese exorcist, heart beating, peered down at the paper.

It was…

It was…

It was…

She looked up, bright eyes unseeing, "I-I-impossible…" Lenalee Lee stuttered.

It was doujinshi.

Lenalee snapped out of her stupor, beating Allen's record by several hours, and she read the remainder of Lavi's note, "We need to do something about this, my sweet dewdrop." Her dark eyes flicked over Lavi's endearment.

She stared at the note for a few seconds and then, "If this is true! I need to go see them!" Her expression becoming militant, Lenalee marched off to fire a couple of arrows.

* * *

"K-K-Kanda?" Komui blanched and slowly backed away from the sharp object that was currently being leveled at him, "W-w-what is with… your…?"

Kanda instantly regretted ever coming to get Jerry's soba, "What?" he snarled.

"Oh my god! Yu-chan really turned into a girl!"

"What?!" Kanda leveled his death glare at Lavi, who had just entered the cafeteria with Lenalee, "What," he repeated, "THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"

It was Lenalee, standing with her hands on her shapely hips, who replied, "Kanda! You need to deal with your issues! You don't have to make Allen love you by trying to make yourself something you're not! And resorting to drag too!"

"WHAT?" Kanda stared in disbelief, "What are you smoking?" he demanded.

"Well," Lavi grinned in his usual devil may care way, "Whatever she's smoking, it must not be as great as whatever they've got you hooked on."

"Lavi," Lenalee glared at the redhead, "You're not helping."

"I live to serve," Lavi bowed mockingly.

"Will you two cut the comedy act and tell me WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Kanda snarled, his fingers reaching for Mugen's hilt and encasing it in a stranglehold.

"Well," Lenalee fidgeted with the ruffled hem of her skirt, suddenly assuaged by an uncharacteristic shyness, "Uh…"

"LENALEE! DON'T MARRY THAT SPAWN OF SATAN!" the Chinese exorcist was tackled by her sobbing and shooting brother before she could say anything further.

"WHAT?!"

Lavi sighed and adjusted his eye patch, "Here," he extended a hand mirror.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

* * *

Kanda stared at his reflection and got as close to gaping as the somber Japanese exorcist could get. He closed his eyes and counted to ten. Kanda tentatively looked again, just to double check, and found himself staring at a pair of ridiculously pointed, strappy pumps.

Lavi had whipped away his mirror with a, "We can let Yu-chan develop a narcissism, now, could we?" and left Kanda staring at the floor.

"You did it, didn't you," Kanda growled and, releasing Mugen from its sheath, he began to slowly raise it towards the cheerful redhead's neck.

"What do you mean, Yu-chan?" Lavi's face was awash with innocence, as little sparkles danced around his head.

When Kanda still menaced, Lavi added, "I swear it wasn't me." He backed away slowly, crossing his fingers behind his back, "Honest," the redhead smiled mysteriously.

Kanda lunged, and tripped over the pumps, which had somehow attached themselves to his feet. Ruffled mini-dress tearing at the seams, the dark haired man tumbled a few feet.

There was a choking sound.

Lenalee separated herself from Komui's iron grip to return Kanda to an upright position, "Please don't do that again," she moaned, "You may dress like a girl, but that doesn't make you a girl…" she shuddered.

"LAVI!" Kanda howled with rage, "GET ME OUT OF THIS… THING, NOW!" he attempted to get out of the dress.

"Oh my goodness Yu-chan… I didn't know you thought of me in that way…" Lavi blushed demurely.

Lenalee sighed and wished she hadn't gotten up that morning.

"STOP SCREWING AROUND!"

"B-b-but Yu-chan," Lavi's eyes filled with tears, "You know I only love you…"

Lenalee was fumbling through Komui's weapons kit. She dug out a small tranquilizer gun, which she fired without hesitation.

"Damn," Lenalee flung the weapon the ground in frustration, "This isn't working!"

"That's because it only works on people other than Lenalee," Komui nodded sagely, and then considered what he had just said, "LENALEE! DON'T TRY TO TRANQUILIZE YOURSELF! YOU COULD DIE!"

* * *

Lavi was sitting on a table in the deserted cafeteria, the rest of the diners having been menaced away by a distraught Kanda whose Mugen was sharp, despite, or maybe because of, his current mental disposition.

The redhead played with a curl of his red hair thoughtfully and he sniggered slightly. Kanda turned, hearing the mocking laugh, and his hand strayed towards Mugen's metal sheath. Lavi only smiled gleefully in return. The Japanese exorcist opened his mouth to empty some choice words towards the bookman in training and ended up with a mouthful of an unidentified powder, reducing him to spluttering angrily.

Lenalee sighed and continued apply copious amounts of makeup remover to Kanda's pale face.

Lavi sniggered again, more loudly this time, as he watched Komui deposit nail polish remover on Kanda's bright, pink painted nails.

Kanda threw a murderous look at Lavi, who responded with a low whistle.

The swordsman flushed and, picking up the nearest tray of food, flung the projectile towards Lavi.

Lavi grinned and began humming Hips Don't Lie, only pausing in his singing to call out to the already distraught and enraged Kanda, "Shake it! Shakira, Shakira…!"

Kanda's eyes widened. Screw makeup removal, after all he had already been doused in enough perfume to be forever surrounded by a cloud of fruity happiness, or, at least, according to the description on the bottle. Right now, the one thing that would make him happy, or as close as Yu Kanda could get to happy, was ripping out the idiot redhead's entrails and nailing him to a post with them.

Kanda's head was overflowing with happy thoughts.

"DIE!" he screamed at Lavi, charging forth with Mugen, "I'LL RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!" the currently unstable exorcist followed up with a vicious slash.

Lavi skipped nimbly to the side and sang, "Oh baby when you talk like that, you can make a woman go mad… so be wise, and keep reading the signs of my body…"

Kanda screamed with rage and would have made do with his threat of decapitating Lavi if Noise Marie hadn't restrained him from behind. The gods seemed to have been betting on Lavi's life, since the arrival of other exorcist to eat lunch was timed so well, it was uncanny.

"Is this a spurned lover of yours, Lavi?" Marie pinned Kanda's arms behind him.

"No fighting!" Lenalee took this time to juxtapose her body between the grinning Lavi and the death threat screaming Kanda.

"Como se llama?" Lavi tipped his head innocently.

"You already know my name," Lenalee snapped in reply, wondering why Lavi was being such a roadblock to procedures.

"He's singing," Kanda growled, hanging limply in Marie's grip, having ceased his struggles and his curses.

"Kanda," Lenalee plopped down heavily in a chair, "I'm seriously worried about both of you."

"K-K-Kanda?" Marie dropped the Japanese man when he realized that underneath the makeup, bright jewelry and pumps, was the ever irritable and murderous Kanda Yu, "W-w-what are you doing in… that…?" he turned towards Lenalee, "That _is_ Kanda… is it?"

"Si," Lenalee was packing up her cosmetics kit.

"…The attraction, the tension," Lavi sang on, oblivious, "oh baby this is perfection."

Lenalee made a mental note to pick up some laxatives from Komui's stash of noxious potions and then discarded the notion, afraid that she might permanently turn Lavi female or something.

Nothing for it, Lenalee finished dropping the last tubes of concealer into her makeup kit and snapped the black bag shut.

Lavi pranced around.

Lenalee sighed.

Kanda waved Mugen.

Marie crouched in a corner, shielding his eyes from the horror that was Kanda in drag.

Komui painted his own nails a garish shade of red.

Lavi had a final word for Kanda though, "Yeah she's so sexy, every man's fantasy…"

The response to this comment was uttered by unexpectedly from the lips of a new arrival, "Hey! Back off, My Kanda!"

Even Kanda was struck speechless by the unexpected defense, despite the fact that the words carried a sense of foreboding.

Allen Walker closed the gap between him and the Japanese exorcist with a few steps and the British youth promptly encased the dark haired man in a possessive hug, "Mine!" he glared at the assembled group.

"WHAT THE FUCK! GET THE HELL OFF ME MOYASHI! I'LL CHOP OFF ALL YOUR HAIR!"

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks for reading and, as always, reviews are greatly appreciated. (Hint, hint.) And consider voting at my poll...

Our next chapter is going to be called, "talk the talk". Yesh, have you guys ever read any stories with Tiedoll tearfully imparting 'The Talk' on Kanda? Guess what?

IT WON'T BE TIEDOLL GIVING THE TALK! (Well, he'll try.)

Although I'll leave it up to you to guess who's going to be giving such a monumental speech instead of him… Speaking of that… I have never happened to be the recipient of such a speech myself (since a chair has more of a sex life than I do) so any ideas for speech content are welcome…

Zhai Jian! (For bonus points, tell me what language those two words are from and what they mean...)


	4. talk the talk

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**Chapter Summary:** Okay, maybe, "I want to have your babies," wasn't that innocent of a statement, especially coming from _him._

**A/N: **Be afraid. Be very afraid.

(Now that I think of it though, my story is getting more and more cracky… Is that a good thing or is it the sign of the end of the world?)

* * *

Chapter 3: talk the talk

Cross Marian hated the Black Order.

The handsome red haired man pouted slightly, in a swoon inducing way, as he watched the ancient castle in which the Order was housed in draw closer and closer like the cloud that was eclipsing his formerly good mood. The general's hand fumbled for the door, he could still jump out and make a run for it, but it appeared that the portal to escape had been welded shut.

"Just my luck," he muttered sulkily.

General Cross sighed, he was hoping he didn't have to indulge in this tactic, and began crawling out the window, shoving brocade curtains aside. Halfway through the procedure, his head and both arms dangling precariously over the moving road, the general realized that he wasn't progressing anymore. Cross gave himself a few experimental pushes and seeing as he didn't move forward an inch, he paled and slowly backed out of the window.

The general turned and glared at his companion, a coffin, "Maria," he hissed, "You've gained weight!" omitting the fact that it had not been Maria who had chosen to make the trip through the window.

The weight issue was taken out of Cross's hands when the carriage jolted to a halt and the door opened. The redheaded general found himself unceremoniously booted into the underground waterway of the Black Order and his escort hurried away, checking their pockets for unwanted bills.

Cross grinned momentarily, "And that, my dears," he proclaimed to a nonexistent audience of enchanted, enchanting maidens, "Is why you have idiot apprentices." Seeing that the ladies had left him bereft of their companionship, Cross sighed, "Now what was it, the Atkins Diet."

* * *

The mood in the Black Order cafeteria matches Cross's to the letter.

"I MEAN IT MOYASHI!" Kanda made a sincere effort to run Allen through in an attempt to keep the suddenly psychotic British boy off him, "I'LL CHOP OFF ALL YOUR HAIR IF YOU GET WITHIN FIVE FEET OF ME!"

Lavi choked in an attempt not to laugh.

Lenalee dropped her cosmetics kit.

Marie returned to quietly rocking in his corner.

Komui blew on his nails.

Allen giggled, "If it makes you happy, Kanda," he cooed. He attempted once again to burst the Japanese exorcist's bubble.

Lavi burst out laughing.

Lenalee stared into space—this hadn't been what she had expected.

Marie refused to look back into the sick, twisted world he inhabited.

Komui started to paint flowers on his red nails.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Kanda fended off the overenthused overtures with a pointed heel, one of the pair he had long since removed from his feet.

"It's because…" Allen thought for a moment and replied, with a sweet smile, "I want to have your babies."

Kanda screamed in horror and, if Allen hadn't flung himself on the Japanese man, would have bolted for the door.

Lavi stopped laughing and then promptly burst into a second bout of hysterical laughter while screaming, "NO ALLEN! WE DON'T WANT YU-CHAN TO REPRODUCE!"

Allen stuck out his tongue, "You're just jealous."

Lenalee on the other hand had begun tugging at Allen face, "Why wont this stupid mask come off?"

"M-m-maybe he just came unhinged," Lavi gasped, while clutching his side. He decided not to mention the bout of hypnotism.

Marie cursed his incredible hearing.

Komui shrugged, as long as they didn't want Lenalee's babies, it didn't bother him.

Kanda had struggled out of Allen's grasp and was hiding behind Lenalee in a very Lavi-like gesture, "Get. Him. Away. From. Me." He hissed, while pointing Mugen at Allen from behind Lenalee.

Allen had found something to focus on though, "Oh! It's a Kanda hair," he squealed in a very uncharacteristic way and clutched the black strand to his chest, "More Kanda hair!" he cried, sighting the dark haired exorcist as he crouched behind Lenalee, "I can sell it on eBay!"

Lavi smirked, even in a hypnotized state, apparently, Allen could still think about money.

"Kanda…" Allen sighed, while hugging the long hair, "I love you so very much."

The Japanese exorcist's eyes widened, "What the hell is wrong with moyashi?" he demanded, drawing Mugen in all it's pointy, shiny glory.

"If you don't watch out," Lavi smirked, "That sword of yours is going to get mobbed by crows."

"I love you," Allen sighed his pale cheeks blushing, his silver eyes cast down to the ground, "and because I love you…"

"He's getting a bit redundant," Lavi noted, "I think love screwed his brain over."

"You think!?" Kanda demanded.

"Well, actually, maybe his brain had to be screwed over, otherwise he wouldn't have suddenly fallen for Yu-chan like that…" Lavi smiled to himself. All thanks to a golden golem. He flinched, "That sounded really wrong…" Lavi muttered to himself.

Fortunately for Lavi, his words coincided with the words of a particular white haired exorcist, "…I need a lock of your lovely hair to remember you by…"

"WHAT THE HELL?" Kanda dodged the first slash of the scissors by ducking behind Lenalee. He evaded another blow and grumbled to himself, "Even that stupid bunny is better than this!"

"Aw, Yu-chan, I didn't know you felt that way," Lavi cooed in a rather disturbing way.

"JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!" Kanda shot Lavi down without hesitating.

Before Kanda could decimate anyone, there is a horrified gasp from the doorway and General Tiedoll drops the bouquet of flowers he had been carrying.

"Oh my god," Lavi gasped in mock horror, mimicking the general, "There's a love… er… non-polygon going on!"

"You're a sick bastard, you know," Kanda snarled, as he crouched behind Lenalee, who was blocking all of Allen's attempts to get at Kanda with a pair of scissors.

Lavi clutched at Lenalee, "Mommy!" he cried in mock anguish, "Yu-chan used a bad word!"

Lenalee had given up, "Kanda, don't use bad words," she informed the Japanese man in a resigned tone, "I'm already trying to fight off fangirl boy here… I don't need two people clinging to me like I'm their mother."

"Mother?" Komui perked up at the word, "NO! TELL ME THEY'RE NOT YOUR ILLIGETMITE CHILDREN, LENALEE!"

"They're not my illegitimate children," Lenalee deadpanned.

"DON'T LIE TO ME! I'M YOUR PRECIOUS OLDER BROTHER!" Komui clutched at Lenalee's waist.

"How could I?" Lenalee snapped back, apparently under a lot of strain, "Both of them are two years older than I am!"

"Oh," Komui picked up his nail polish.

"Hold on," despite the words being spoken very softly, everyone turned to look at Tiedoll, who was, unsurprisingly, crying.

"What?" Kanda snapped, "Can't you see that my hair is in mortal danger!?"

"It's just that…" here Tiedoll sniffed loudly, "…my cute little Yu-chan is progressing in the area of love…"

"WHAT THE HELL?" Kanda backed slowly away from his master, "ARE YOU ON DRUGS?"

"B-b-but," Tiedoll blubbered, "Everyone knows that when a boy tries to cut off your hair, that he really loves you."

Even Lenalee had joined the party in backing away from the artist general, "I'm not sure that logic applies anymore…"

"Otherwise," Lavi chirped, "It would mean that Eishi loved Lenalee…!"

Komui perked, "Eishi? Who is this Eishi?" he demanded.

"Level three Lenalee pwned," Lavi replied dryly.

"Yu-chan," Tiedoll hovered over his disciple, "You don't have to hide your true feelings…"

"You want true feelings?" Kanda snarled, "Well—"

Before Kanda could make a terrorist threat, Lavi clamped his gloved hand over the Japanese exorcist's mouth and yanked him away from the group. He brought his head close to his fellow exorcist's ear and hissed, "Do you want to give old man Tiedoll a coronary?"

"Yes," was the blunt reply.

"Man, that's harsh."

* * *

"What the—!" Lenalee bumped into a wall, "What are you doing, Allen?"

"I HATE YOU!" Allen cried, sniffling and waving a lead pipe uncomfortably close to Lenalee's head for her comfort, "KANDA LOVES YOU MORE THAN HE LOVES ME!"

"WHAT?" Lenalee had to kick a hole in the wall to keep progressing backwards and she stumbled over the comatose bodies of several finders, "Finders?"

"Uh, Lenalee," Komui began pushing her in a different direction, "Nothing to see here…"

"KOMUI!" Lenalee frowned at her brother, "You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?"

"Uh, I love you?"

There's an ominous cracking sound.

"Think about what you have done, Komui-ni-san!"

* * *

"There was Monkay C. Monkeydou," Tiedoll reminisced to his captive audience.

"Is he making all of this up, Yu-chan?" Lavi whispered to his fellow captive audience member, "Because I have a feeling that there's a really bad pun in Tiedoll's supposed first love's name…"

"Stop calling me by my first name!" was the testy reply.

"She was such a sweet lady…"

"Right. Lady," Lavi smirked, "Probably a regular drag queen like Yu-chan here…"

"Do you want to die?!" Kanda hissed back.

"It's because you can't kill me right now that I'm saying this," Lavi replied cheerfully, resting his head on Kanda's shoulder, "Isn't it great?" he was viciously elbowed, "OW! What was that for?"

"Just because we're tied together, doesn't mean I can't hurt you," was the sharp reply, "And remember that I've got a nail file in my hand."

Lavi sniggered, "Tied together with Kanda Yu, that's got to be the greatest fantasy of any self respecting fangirl…"

"WHAT?" Kanda made no pretense to whisper.

"Uh," Lavi smiled, "I was just… coming up with random poetry… Little birdies flutter around and eat yellow daffodils, that sort of stuff…" he added under his breath, "It's probably the stuff that comes after being tied—" He is sharply cut off by Kanda's bony elbow.

"Then there was Alestina Drow Joanason P. Robathan Gia Amadeus V…" Tiedoll's eyes misted over at his recollections.

Lavi on the other hand had a look on his face that read 'just kill me already', "That was way too much information…" the Bookman Junior looked like he was about to be sick, "Tiedoll has the hots for the GODDAMN GATEKEEPER?"

"WHAT?" Kanda snarled back.

"Alestina. Gatekeeper. Male. The one who wants that restraining order on Allen," words tumbled from Lavi's pale lips.

Kanda's eyes widened.

"He's either hallucinating, or your master has issues."

"Just shut up and keep working on those bonds," Kanda had returned with renewed vigor to sawing the rope with a nail file. Lavi shrugged and began twisting his wrists.

The drag-wearing swordsman sighed with relief when he felt the rope give way.

"One… two… three… RUN!" Lavi screamed the last word and the two of them bolted for the door before slamming into a tall imposing man with a coffin strapped to his back.

"Hey!" the man removed a cigarette from his mouth, "Guess who's here, bishies!"

"We don't know, and we really don't care," the beautiful raven-haired maiden in front of General Cross hissed in a very unladylike way, "So if you don't want me to rip you to shreds, MOVE!"

"Man, that's cold, miss," Cross sighed, still blocking the doorway, "Care to make it up to me as an apology?" he asked with a lewd smile, hand tilting the beauty's chin.

"DON'T CALL ME MISS!" was the howled reply.

* * *

"Allen, if you don't stop menacing me with that lead pipe, I'll really hit you," Lenalee had already wreaked/backed through several rooms and the pair had progressed in a compete circle, smashing through the cafeteria wall opposite to the one they had left through.

"B-b-but! I don't really want to hurt you, Lenalee," Allen seemed to be having a mood swing, tears leaked down his face as he made such a tragic sacrifice for misguided love, "It's just that… it would be more convenient if you stopped looking at Kanda like you wanted to make sweet love to him!"

"WHAT?" Lenalee was taken aback, "Since when?!"

"SINCE WHEN?" Kanda echoed Lenalee's words.

"Sweet love… eh?" Cross rubbed out his cigarette on Allen's face, "Well, you've come to the right man."

"M-m-master?" even in his hypnotized state, Allen seemed to still be terrified of the red haired man towering in front of him. He trembled and backed slowly away.

"NO FUCKING WAY! THERE IS NO WAY IN—!" Kanda is cut short when General Cross wraps an arm around his shoulders, "Get. Off. Me."

"Now, now," Cross blew Kanda a kiss, "My lovely young assistant here will help me give some… demonstrations, that young Allen here will need to woo this Kanda…"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY DEMONSTRATIONS!" Kanda jerked himself away from Cross's grasp, "AND WHY ARE YOU TEACHING ALLEN HOW TO HIT ON ME!"

"You're Kanda?" Marian Cross looked genuinely bemused, "I thought Kanda was a guy's name."

"It is," Kanda hissed in reply.

"Wait, then…"

"I'm male!" Kanda snapped, hoping that revealing his gender would stop the creepy general from being… downright creepy.

In the corner, next to the gibbering Marie, Lavi is laughing hysterically to himself. The redhead is also balancing a camera on his knee, although the screen jiggles due to Lavi's spasms of laughter, "Youtube phenomenon, here I come."

"You're still kind of hot," Cross considered the effeminate man before him, "Do you date men?"

Allen managed to snap out of his terror to dive between his master and Kanda, "Back away from the pretty boy."

"Hm, I see your relationship has progressed to this extent," the redheaded general lit another cigarette.

"WHAT RELATIONSHIP?" Kanda demanded, having unsheathed Mugen, he pointed it first at the Master then disciple, as if contemplating whom he wanted to savage first.

"Anyway, since you've come so far now," the general flicked his cigarette, "I should do some explaining. You see—"

"There are flowers and pollen and birds and bees," Tiedoll interjected, "No need to pollute my precious Yu-chan's innocent mind with your graphic descriptions."

Tiedoll's precious Yu-chan looked like he wanted to gut his master, "Just get the hell away from me!"

Unfortunately his words had a slight side effect. Allen linked his arm with Kanda's and sang out, "Okay then, let's go Kanda!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN LET'S? GET AWAY FROM ME, DAMN MOYASHI!" Kanda seemed to have decided to completely destroy his vocal box.

"Aw, you're so cute," Allen replied placidly, blushing slightly.

Kanda raised Mugen. What he really wanted to do was gut every last one of them and repaint the entire order with their blood. He wanted to, but the idiot beansprout was clutching to him like the white haired boy with some kind of malignant tumor. Kanda began bringing Mugen down. Time to commence some messy surgery.

"Don't forget to always use condoms!" General Cross chirped.

Mugen jerked off course.

"And who's going to be the guy?" the playboy general inquired after a second thought.

Mugen went clattering to the floor.

"Come on Kanda," the dazed swordsman found himself being dragged off into the sunset.

"GET THIS DAMN MOYASHI OFF ME!" Kanda howled.

"Aw, but you look like you're having so much fun," Lavi chirped.

Kanda cast a beseeching glance at Lenalee who, to his utter shock and mortification, began pushing the pair towards the door, "Come on, let's go."

"Lenalee…" his voice simmered with betrayal.

Kanda's eyes hardened, fine. He was just going to have to cut his way through this. The Japanese exorcist retrieved Mugen as he was being propelled out he door and placed his hand on a smooth edgle, "Mugen—!" before he could fully activate his Innocence, the dark haired man in drag was immediately hit with a blow dart.

"NO TRYING TO HURT MY LENALEE-CHAN!" Komui waved a reed and reloaded another blow dart.

"I-I-I can't move?" Kanda attempted to lift a hand. He swore inwardly when nothing happened.

"Let's go, Kanda!" Allen sang happily and dragged his paralyzed boy toy through the door.

"Lenalee…" Kanda made one last attempt.

She smiled and waved, lead pipe in hand.

Kanda snarled.

"It's okay Yu-chan," Lavi draped an arm around the Chinese girl's shoulders, "I'll take care of your other girlfriend… er…" he turned to General Cross for aid, "Would Allen pass as a girl?"

"Well it depends… since your other friend seems to be a drag queen…"

"That's what I keep telling him… but what does that make Lenalee?" Lavi scratched his head and found the dark boots connecting with a sensitive part of his body, "Urg…!"

Lenalee straightened and looked off to where Allen was trying to drag Kanda down the hall, the Japanese man resisting with all his strength, "Is it okay to leave them alone like that?"

"Oh, they won't die or anything," Cross yawned and opened his book '101 Ways to Diet'.

"I wasn't worried about them," Lenalee sighed, "I was worried about the new paint we just put up."

"Well, I don't really like the color anyway," Komui twirled his reed.

"But it's scary," Lenalee mumbled, "True love."

Lavi had to cover his mouth to keep himself from bursting into another bout of hysterics. True love, eh… and here he thought it would be categorized under slash…

"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?" Kanda howled in rage, since his voice box seemed to be unaffected by the paralysis, "HEY! STOP WRAPPING YOUR LEGS AROUND ME! WHAT THE FUUUU—!"

* * *

**A/N:** Come on, you know you want to bow down before my awesomeness, updating within several days and a long chapter at that (Three thousand words!).

On a more humble note: thanks so much to all the reviewers; you guys are indescribable. I love you all to death.

Review? Please? With a giant red fruit on top?

Anyway, since we've 'talked the talk' now it's about time to 'walk the walk'. Don't get any perverted ideas on me though, Yullen fans… (coughs) You know that there's already a lot more Yullen stuff in here than I had originally planned…

Okay, that's it for today…

Sayonara! (Hm, I don't think I need to ask you guys what language this is from…)

Oh and congrats to the people who got my previous salutation right, it was Mandarin Chinese and meant 'Goodbye' (Well, as many of you pointed out, it literally means 'Meet again'…), you gets bonus points.


	5. walk the walk

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**Chapter Summary:** "Is it humanly possible for a man to get pregnant?" There is complete silence. "Awkward turtle!"

**A/N: **I wrote this during a power outage… when there was nothing else to distract me… Anyway, this is the third update in a _week_ aren't you guys proud? Although, I'm going to the beach tomorrow, so next week the updates might not be so abundant.

Oh, and you may have noticed that there are some uniform discrepancies. You see, I happened to see the new designs in the new fan book and are using them. If you haven't seen them, I suggest you take a look, there are scans of them floating around the net.

**Classified:** Searching for a beta for this story who can deal with strange authors and can beta and reply in the space of a day or two. Apply in review. (I'm so underhanded…)

* * *

Chapter 4: walk the walk

A group of Finders progressed towards the men's bath, talking loudly, unwinding after a rather bewildering day that that involved them getting kicked out of the Cafeteria by a beautiful maiden with a dirty mouth and a sharp sword. If that wasn't bad enough, upon returning to their dormitories or rooms, they found holes in their walls as if a cyclone had gone through their part of the Black Order.

The man in the front of the group slammed the sliding door open and they all began jumping into the water with loud splashes and grateful sighs.

Almost immediately, the men who had jumped in skitter out, swaying slightly. The group of finders, all it's members only wearing towels, stumble out of the baths in a manner that insinuated that they had gone out drinking instead of to the baths.

Yoshi pops up with a sign that reads, "Remember this, it is pivotal (sort of) to the story!"

"There's a story?"

"Uh, just keep smiling and waving and they'll never know the difference…!"

* * *

"LET GO! LET GO YOU IDIOT MOYASHI!" Kanda howled at the top of his lungs while unsuccessfully trying to pull free, his movements sluggish, since the paralysis was taking it's own sweet time in wearing off.

"Un… but Kanda!" Allen sighed again, little sparkles dancing around his head, "Let's ditch the peanut gallery then," he whispered conspiratorially.

"WHAT THE HELL? NO! NO! IF YOU'RE PLANNING TO RAPE ME I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE WITNESSES!"

Lavi raised his eyebrows, "I think Yu-chan's lost it."

"Are you sure this is true love?" Lenalee gave Lavi a skeptical look.

Lavi merely shifted his camcorder, "Uh… define 'True Love'."

"Where they ride off into the sunset on a white horse," Lenalee replied promptly.

"ACK!" Lavi clutched at the nearest wall, "Lenalee's been infected by Walt Disney!"

"No I haven't!" childhood fantasies die-hard.

"You see any white horses here?" Lavi smirked.

"Uh," Lenalee whipped around for any possible princes on white horses and settled for something that wasn't as white horse like, "Lavi, get over here!"

"I have a bad feeling," the bookman in training muttered as he relinquished his hold on the wall and stumbled over to Lenalee, who had grabbed a dazed Komui and was draping a sheet over him, "What are you doing to Komui?" he asked suspiciously.

"White horses," Lenalee mumbled and stuck yarn to Komui's precious beret. The white horse in question stood placidly to the side while Lenalee completed her horse suit, forcing Marie to make up the lumbering end half of the stallion, "Now get on!" she jerked his thumb.

"Shouldn't you have Allen and Kanda get on the white horse?" Lavi mumbled finding himself being hoisted onto the strange creature.

Lenalee smiled, waved and whacked Marie in the back, "Here's your pony ride."

Unlike her expectations, the end half of the horse merely continued sobbing to himself. Lavi took this slight distraction, jumping off the horse and running like hell. He bumped into the fangirl and dark haired idol on his way down the hallway, knocking them both to the side as he searched for a Walt Disney free environment.

Halfway down the hallway, Lavi turned when he heard a different voice screaming. He doubled back.

* * *

Allen's head thumped into the wall with an ominous clunk. The white haired boy's vision blurred and he blinked stupidly in the light, "Uh…" the Destroyer of Time straightened and found himself sprawled upon a seething Kanda Yu in an extremely uncomfortable position, "WHAT THE—!" the white haired boy screamed, "WHY AM I IN A COMPROMISING POSITION WITH KANDA?"

"We'll have to ask _you_ about that?" Kanda snarled back, "Now GET OFF ME!"

"I think I'm going to be sick," Allen muttered jumping away from Kanda, and he promptly was.

"No way!" Lavi wondered if they had gotten stuck in a twisted soap opera, "Allen's pregnant!"

"WHAT?" Lenalee had charged after Lavi on her mount.

"He's got symptoms," Lavi adjusted his eye patch, "Nausea, short term memory, sudden mood swing…"

Allen continued retching in his corner, oblivious to Lavi's newest deduction.

"Are you sure it's humanely possible for a man to get pregnant?" this time around, Lenalee was skeptical.

There is a complete and total silence.

"Awkward turtle!" Lavi hummed, placing his hands together.

There is an even more awkward silence, which was broken by the horse.

"Well," the horse muttered, "If the subject is a transevite, then yes."

"EH?" Lenalee jumped off her 'horse' and backed away slowly, "B-b-but that means…" she flushed, "Allen-kun was a GIRL?" she wailed.

"Or is," Lavi added, "He—she—might still be a girl…" the redhead looked at Allen with narrowed eyes.

Allen had stopped retching to hear the last statement and he flung himself on Lavi, screaming, "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Wha?" Lavi blinked incredulously, "You serious?"

"Hm," Lenalee had donned her Sherlock Holmes hat, "Why is Allen blaming Lavi? Hm…" she changed her voice, "Elementary my dear Watson! It is apparent that Lavi is the father!"

"WHAT?" Allen and Lavi stopped their squabbling enough to stare at Lenalee.

Lavi disentangled himself from the chokehold Allen had wrapped around his neck and coughed, "Apparently, just like Holmes, Lenalee is drugged up."

"WHAT?" the horse, at least the front part, sobbed, "MY LENALEE IS NOT ON DRUGS!" the stallion, dragging it's heavy behind, galloped towards Lavi, somehow balancing a bazooka in it's hoof.

"Uh, Allen," Lavi backed away from the white haired boy, "Truce?"

"Of course."

"Hm," Lenalee examines the floor with a magnifying glass, "Well, Allen and Lavi don't seem to have an intimate relationship as of late and there was that picture… so Kanda's the daddy? And is Allen male or female?" her voice changed again, "That, my dear Watson, is a puzzling dilemma."

"STOP 'DEAR WATSON'-ING YOURSELF AND HELP US!" Allen dodged another volley of bazooka fire.

"Dear Watson," Lenalee replied stubbornly, "It seems like we need to take a course of action."

"My. God." Lavi sighed, "She's never going to help us, is she? It's divine retribution."

"FOR WHAT?" Allen howled back as he dodged a weird looking bomb.

"Allen Jr.?" the redhead suggested.

"Don't even go there," was the curt reply, as Kanda hoisted himself up from the wall, the paralysis wearing off, slowly but surely.

"Then Kanda Jr.," Bookman Jr. decided, "We can squabble about naming babies when we've dealt with the threat at hand." He swiftly knocked the horse on the back of the head and it collapsed neatly, ceasing fire.

"WHO SAID THERE'S A BABY?" Kanda howled.

"Well…"

"Just. Shut. Up." The supposedly expectant pair snarled at Lavi in unison.

"Gee, you guys have more in common than we originally thought…" Lavi scratched his head, "or is that fanfiction logic speaking?"

"Eh? Lavi knows what fanfiction is?" Lenalee demanded, breaking character, although, she was actually out of character in the first place, so I guess she would be returning to character, somewhat. She made a mental note to delete her account; you don't want someone with a photographic memory looking at all her stories.

"I know everything," the redhead's eye glinted and he neglected to tell the Chinese girl that he had only learned about that particular branch of literature that morning, "Anyway," he danced over to the still seething pair, "We need to go shopping for infant clothing."

"WHAT?"

"See? Speaking in unison again." There was no winning an argument with Lavi.

"Get lots of pink," Lenalee was already drawing up a list.

Lavi joined her in writing a list of articles, "No, no, you don't want to create gender confusion at such an early age… otherwise Kanda Jr. will turn out just like Yu-chan!"

"White then," Lenalee made some more markings.

"THERE ISN'T EVEN A BABY TO SPEAK OF!"

Lenalee raise her eyebrows, "You were right, they do this talking at the same time stuff pretty well…"

Allen and Kanda's protests fell on deaf ears as Lenalee and Lavi planned a baby shower.

"THERE IS NO FUCKING BABY!" Kanda raised Mugen.

"Careful Yu-chan," Lavi hummed, "You might give Ellen a miscarriage."

"WHAT?" Allen activated Clown Crown, "WHO IS ELLEN ANYWAY?"

"Your name," Lenalee deadpanned, "After all, Allen is just a male alias, isn't it?"

Allen sighed, running a hand through his white locks, "I repeat, WHAT? I'M MALE!"

Lavi's eyes widened, "Are you going to do what I think you're going to do? He demanded and covered Lenalee's eyes, relishing in the chance to partially hug a pretty girl.

"If you seriously think I'm going to flash everyone," Allen retorted, "then you have issues. Anyway, isn't _Kanda_ the one who looks more like a girl?"

"WHAT?" the swordsman lunged for the British exorcist, "SAY THAT AGAIN?"

"Kanda looks more like a girl," the Destroyer of Time deadpanned. Mugen sliced through a lock of his hair with a sharp hiss of anger. Allen turned furiously and, activating Clown Crown, began a destructive counterattack.

"There goes the paint job," Lavi commented. He called out, "Be careful with the baby!"

"THERE IS NO BABY!"

"Are you sure that it's okay to leave them like that?" Lenalee gazed at the pair worriedly as the nearest wall was decimated by a particularly violent attack.

"Don't worry, it's just a lover's quarrel," Lavi reassured her, "Just imagine they're Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

* * *

General Tiedoll shuffled down the hall excitedly, humming tunelessly as he happily hopped towards his cute little disciples, one of whom had decided that Halloween had come earlier this year and the other was indulging in some arcade game action. He sang out happily as he neared the two watching the entire debacle, "Guess what? Guess what?"

"You're coming out of the closest?" Lavi wondered aloud.

"I wasn't in a closet in the first place," Tiedoll huffed, not getting Lavi's insinuation.

"You got tickets to an opera?" the Bookman's apprentice went for the mundane.

"I've got those too!"

"Uh…" not only was Lavi completely stumped, the ravishing Chinese girl next to him was also clueless on what had excited the general.

Finally the artist general burst out, "On this online dating service I signed Kanda up for, someone wants to date him!"

His audience was dumbstruck.

"Y-y-you signed Yu-chan up for an _online dating service_?" Lavi stared, "Are you on drugs? Oh, wait, we already established that as a fact."

"Does he know?" Lenalee questioned.

Tiedoll's uncomfortable stare was all the answer they needed.

"Shameful," Lavi sniffed, "With the baby coming and all."

"B-b-baby?" Tiedoll stuttered.

* * *

With a crash, Mugen slammed into the jade inlays on the order wall, ruthlessly cleaving a depiction of the Bodhisattva Guanying in half. Kanda followed this up with a quick slash to the side, to block the descending claws of Allen's Clown Crown. Hopping nimbly into the air, he brought his weapon down rapidly and the white haired boy was hard pressed to block attack, drawing up a white veil to defend himself.

The two of them circled each other cautiously, like a pair of boxers, delivering lightning quick jabs and separating. And then—

"YU-CHAN!! CONGRATULATIONS!" General Tiedoll showed up, complete with confetti and parenting guides, the bespectacled general sniffed, "I can't believe my cute little disciple is going to be a daddy!"

The swordsman's eyes widened, "Whatever that little bastard Lavi told you," he snarled, "Is not true! THERE IS NO BABY!"

"Eh?" Tiedoll's face fell, and then he brightened considerably, "Oh well, now I don't have to tell that girl that you can't date her!"

"WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING?" the cute little disciple snarled back.

"Four o'clock, café, be there," was the reply.

Allen sighed and pressed an intercom button located to the side of the cafeteria, "Hello? Science Division? Could you guys come down here? And bring all the water you've got."

A horse neighed.

* * *

**A/N:** So what do you think? And thanks once again to my wonderful reviewers whose feedback I _live _on. Seriously, I print them and I eat them. No, actually I don't. Anyway, next chapter will be an OMAKE! Yep, it's called 'Bad Poetry'. Do you guys get what I'm trying to parody? As a bonus, here are the first six lines of my chapter:

_There once was an umbrella named Lero, Lero._

_He wanted to write a poem for the Earl, Lero._

_So he jotted down some crap, Lero._

_On a piece of paper that was just a scrap, Lero._

_And he didn't really worry about rhyming, Lero._

_Lero, Lero_

I've been doing a bunch of fanfic parodies… what with the implied male pregnancies, the gender confusion, sticking Kanda in a dress, fangirls, etc. And I'm running out of ideas, the best idea I have right now is _amnesia_. So come out and give me all the inspiration you've got. Please?

Oh and I've noticed that not a lot of people has featured Yoshi in their story… so, after reading this, consider putting up the bunny in random places in your own fics… like a badge of courage… (I'm not exactly sure how courage ties into this, but it sounds good…)


	6. Bad Poetry

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**Chapter Summary:** Kanda keeps hearing the strangest voices in his head.

**A/N: **Hello, just got back from the beach. Anyway and here we come to my weirdly random omake. Love to my reviewers, as always. Seriously, if this thing gets to a hundred reviews, I will die of happiness. Then I'll resurrect myself in time for another update, so don't worry. Oh and a lot of thanks to UnboundWings for beta-ing for me, I really appreciate it!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any lyrics or songs mentioned in this chapter unless mentioned otherwise. I also do not own any franchises mentioned in this chapter.

* * *

_There once was an umbrella named Lero, Lero._

_He wanted to write a poem for the Earl, Lero._

_So he jotted down some crap, Lero._

_On a piece of paper that was just a scrap, Lero._

_And he didn't really worry about rhyming, Lero._

_Lero, Lero_

* * *

Chapter 6: Bad Poetry

"Che! Why did she make a lame poem the theme of our chapter?"

"Now, now, Yu-chan, it was just an opening, it's okay if we pick our own poem for the chapter."

"Don't. Call. Me. By. My. First. Name."

"Jeez, you don't have to be so touchy about it."

"Why poems? Why not pop songs?"

"I think that we can do lyrics too, Lenalee."

"Okay then, why don't we do Lollypop by Lil' Wayne."

"Please don't get any perverted ideas Lavi. No one is going to 'lick you like a lollypop'."

"Hey, it was worth a try."

"A-Anyway, we have a rating, you know."

"Not really, because of Princess here, our rating goes up every chapter."

"Shut up, damn rabbit."

"See what I mean?"

"Well, how about Robert Frost, Road Not Taken."

"No offense, Allen-kun, but that poem is the most overplayed one there is and our selling point is originality…"

"We have a selling point?"

"Never mind then… so we need something original, with G rated lyrics."

"How the hell do we find something like that?"

"Now, now, language Yu-chan."

"SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!"

"Hmph, it's just like _Kanda_ to be the first one to use all caps."

"What did you say?!"

"_Kanda_ should consider getting his ears checked."

"You know Allen, I think Yu-chan was doing one of those macho guy things where he threatens you by asking you to repeat yourself."

"Oh really, and here I thought he was just getting senile."

"WHAT?"

"Hey, look, there are discounts for hearing aids, maybe you should get one Kan-da."

"Hmph, it's just like Moyashi to be such a cheapskate."

"What did you say?!"

"It looks like you should save your discounts for yourself, Moyashi."

"IT'S ALLEN!"

"Come on guys, no fighting!"

"Just ignore them Lenalee, we can decide by ourselves…"

"But that's not really fair, considering that Kanda's the one who—"

* * *

Kanda was nursing one of his usual bad moods as he stalked down the hallways, searching for his soba fix, unaware of what would befall him later. If he had, he probably would have chosen starving to death as a healthier alternative. Yes, this is a flashback to the bygone time when a drag clad Kanda went to eat soba and ended up with a bowl of mental trauma.

_Walking down a sunshine road…_

Kanda strode angrily up to Jerry's window. After being followed by cheerful waves and secret laughter, he was beginning to regret ever giving in to his hunger.

After the third catcall or so, he was beginning to wonder if Lenalee was walking behind him in a uniform that had shrunk in the wash or something. The dark haired man whipped his head around briskly, but seeing no Lenalee, or shrunken uniform, was left to ponder the strange occurrences.

_Unexplained pain… confusion…_

Kanda grimaced to himself. He was also feeling slightly light headed and dizzy, must be an aftereffect of the serum. So, when Jerry poked his head happily out the window to greet his new customer all Kanda would utter was a terse, "Soba."

_People staring at me like I'm in drag…_

The flamboyantly dressed chef blinked, he was positive that the new girl's voice sounded like Kanda's, but then, anyone can sound like Kanda during a combination of sick, tired and prissy. Jerry shrugged, "Coming right up, cutie!" he sang to the girl in the red mini.

No one understands me…

Kanda seethed. One did not call Kanda Yu and cutie.

_Voices and unending screams echoing in my head…_

What the…?

Kanda briefly wondered if Lavi had hijacked the intercom. Since for some reason, he kept hearing someone screaming very emo lyrics while laughing hysterically. The dark haired swordsman looked around, his twin pigtails bouncing to see if anyone else had noticed the voices, but everyone was acting normally, well, as normally as people could act in the Black Order.

* * *

"He's onto us!"

"I think that we should pick something less… emo."

"Yeah, it doesn't really suit Yu-chan, does it?"

"It's more that I don't think a mock emo anthem really suits the theme. Anyway, it was a bit lame, considering that we wrote it ourselves."

"Plus, it isn't a major copyright infringement."

"How about this?"

"Lenalee, despite that fact that our life expectancy just went down exponentially… You're a genius!"

* * *

_La-la-la-la!_

The lovely girl slammed her tray of soba down forcefully onto a deserted table in secluded corner of the cafeteria. Many Finders turned, to see the beauty snap open her chopsticks and attack the noodles with such ferocity that they wondered if there were really noodles in that bowl.

_La-la-la-la!_

Kanda tried every meditation technique in the damn unwritten book and still, he was unable to block out the upbeat singing in his head. He gritted his teeth, Marilyn Monroe lipstick cracking slightly, as he began to truly appreciate the joys of emo songwriting.

_Elmo's world!_

What the fuck?

Elmo?

The dark haired exorcist, currently of indeterminate gender, twitched angrily.

_Elmo's world!_

Kanda mentally beamed some suggestions to this 'Elmo' on what he could do with this 'world' of his. None of them were very nice. Most of them were vehement enough to make a goldfish turn belly up at the very sound of them and cause crayon paint to peel. In other words, I'm sad to say that the cast of Sesame Street just lost a very valued, fishy cast member and Elmo needs some home renovation.

_La-la-la-la!_

There it came again.

Kanda snarled, and gave his soba a particularly violent stab.

Oh.

The swordsman gazed down at his meal and how it had been reduced to a quivering blob of misery by his violent abuse. His eyes widened slightly and he attempted to pat his meal awkwardly. It didn't work as well on food as it did Lenalee.

"It's okay," he muttered even more awkwardly.

Needless to say, his fellow diners had already classified him as a complete nutcase, but then, you had to be completely crazy to be in that particular business.

_La-la-la-la!_

There it came again, was this thing on repeat?

Damn.

_Elmo's world!_

Right now, Kanda was itching for a fight. He was tempted to just turn around and bash the nearest Finder into the wall. Fortunately, despite his grated nerves, the Japanese exorcist still had some of his self-restraint left.

_Elmo's world!_

Kanda wondered why it was always he who was thrown to the fans headfirst.

When he had asked Lavi, the redhead had chirped, "Because you have long silky hair that people just want to get lost in."

Not only had that particular reply rather disturbed the soba loving exorcist, he had wondered if Lavi was trying to hit on him or something.

By the time Kanda had recovered from the shock of the comment, Lavi had already commenced in braiding his hair and was trying to layer it with a pair of scissors.

Needless to say, when playing rock, paper, scissors, Mugen always wins.

_Elmo loves his goldfish!_

Kanda seethed. What did this goldfish have to do with anything? He was seriously getting worried about the voices in his head, considering that they were starting to get irrelevant. He kind of missed the days when they told him to strangle Lavi or dump Allen off a cliff. At least their priorities coincided during those times when he deeply pondered mental therapy.

_His crayon too!_

Crayon…? What was a crayon?

Kanda had a very deprived childhood.

_Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do!_

You could hear him break his chopsticks clear trough the room, if anyone was listening. Instead, most of them were running around and screaming for some reason. Kanda didn't bother with the doings of lesser mortals.

_That's Elmo's world!_

He could tell by the finality of the voice in his head that the ordeal with over.

He did not know of wrong he was.

_It's Mr. Noodle!_

"LENALEE-CHAN! I OBJECT! DON'T MARRY THAT SPAWN OF SATAN!" he suddenly found his private space rudely violated and wondered if Komui really wanted to die that badly.

* * *

"Lavi… You can stop singing along now."

"Aw, Lenalee loves me!"

"Do not! I repeat, do not! Burst into song!"

"Damn."

"Uh… maybe we should check on Allen-kun and Kanda."

"WAH! LENALEE LOVES ALLEN AND YU-CHAN MORE THAN SHE LOVES ME!"

"Who said I loved any of you in the first place!"

"You're the female heroine, smart one."

"Oh… I forgot about that…"

"CROWN BELT!"

"MUGEN! NIGENTO!"

"Aw, don't they sound so in love?"

"Really? They kind of sound like they want to gut each other to me. Do you think we should do something about it?"

"Not really."

"Come on, Lavi!"

"Fine. POWER RANGER TRANSFORM!"

"Not like that!"

"Damn, I wanted to try out that leotard suit and the biker helmet…"

"Maybe we could have them come to a non-violent compromise that still allows them to express their feelings."

"Are you suggesting a divorce?"

"They aren't married in the first place, Lavi."

"I wonder if they got a prenup…"

"Seriously Lavi, they're not married."

"Hey! Yu-chan! I come at a really great rate for my services as a divorce lawyer!"

"What the hell is the stupid bunny babbling about?"

"Divorce lawyer! You need one if you want to divorce Allen without a prenup!"

"WHAT THE HELL? WHO SAID WE WERE EVEN MARRIED?"

"Uh, because it's legal in California?"

"D-d-divorce?"

"ARG! DAMN BUNNY! JUST DIE ALREADY!"

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry about the short chapter although I had fun playing around with two different formats. And I notice that it isn't as fun as usual, so I apologize for that too. Although in the middle of writing the ending, I was suddenly plagued by images of Kanda throwing flowers. Anyway, I just got hit really hard on the head by a giant plot bunny, so being the complete idiot I am, I think I might start another story… I'll still take care of this one though…

Oh and next chapter is called 'Lavi the Bookman'. Whomever can figure out what Lavi the Bookman is meant to parody gets a cookie. A big clue might be this chapter, the fact that I have a four year old little sister and that I get a lot of inspiration from things around me.

Anyway, my writer issues aside, please review if you have any opinions on this particular piece, or if you have any suggestions. I'm going to Japan next week, so I'll see if I can get in another update before I leave.


	7. Lavi the Bookman

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**Chapter Summary:** An ominous song echoes through the hallways of the Black Order, "La-la-la Lavi! La-la-la Lavi!"

**A/N: **And here's the new chapter, where we get more or less back on track. Sort of. And I love everyone who reviewed to death! And if you already have reviewed or haven't, review, please?

**Disclaimer:** If you guys don't get the Dora the Explorer references, then I'm going to question your sanity.

* * *

Chapter 4: Lavi the Bookman

These days, Lenalee spent a large portion of her time worrying. Worrying about her friends, that is. She sighed, at this rate; she was going to become a second Miranda. The Chinese exorcist considered banging her head on the wall as the current object of her worry skipped into view.

"La-la-la Lavi! La-la-la Lavi!" the apprentice Bookman skipped around and grabbed the worrying Lenalee's hand, who nearly tripped by the sudden jerk, "Hey everybody! I'm Lavi the Bookman! And this is my friend, Boots!"

"Boots?" Lenalee looked at her friend with a bemused expression and wondered, not for the first time, if Lavi had consumed some sort of drug, "Why Boots?"

"He's been watching Komui's videos again," Reever hypothesized wearily, "Where else would you get random, spastic behavior like that?"

"Wonderful," Kanda growled, ripping the pearl necklace from around his throat, "We're just adding to the nutcase family."

"Speak for yourself," Allen rocked slowly in the corner, nursing a chicken leg and drowning his sorrows with a cup of mango juice.

"Today!" Lavi enunciated brightly as if he were facing a more G-rated audience, "We're going to help Yu-chan get to his date."

"What the hell?!" Kanda slowly backed away from the assembled group and nearly tripped over the high hells that had somehow reattached themselves to his feet, "Che! I never agreed to anything!" he snarled while taking off the offending articles of clothing and throwing them out the window.

"It's probably a screaming fangirl," Lenalee mused, "I kind of think that Tiedoll sold a date with Kanda on eBay. After all, he just got those new paints."

"A date with Yu-chan? He could make millions."

"Maybe he just up and sold Bakanda's life…" Allen considered the prospect brightly while sipping his juice.

"Shut up, Moyashi!" Kanda wasn't in the mood to suddenly learn that he had been sold off to a rabid fangirl. He angrily tore off a clip on earring.

"Anyway," Lavi was delighted by his captive audience and he pranced around before them, waving a purple backpack that he had somehow coaxed out of Jerry, "Let's ask Map how to get to the café! Everybody say, 'Map!'"

Lenalee rolled her eyes, "Map."

Lavi whipped out a piece of paper from the said backpack and brandished it in the faces of the other exorcists, "It's looks like…" He unrolled the paper, which happened to be one of Tiedoll's sketches of a town he had visited, "First we have to cross the bridge of death…" he pointed to a flower lined walkway, "Then we have to scale the industrial buildings of doom," he pointed to an upright loaf of bread, "And our destination is at the top of the tall mountain of destruction," Lavi's finger prodded the crater of a fiery volcano.

Even while questioning Lavi's sanity, Lenalee wondered why there was a volcano in the middle of a town.

"So!" Lavi had completely immersed himself in bunny mode, "Repeat after me: bridge, office building, tall mountain!"

Lenalee didn't even try to play along, "Knock it off, Lavi!"

"Come on Yu-chan!" Lavi draped an arm around the other exorcist's shoulder, "Say it!"

"Hell no!"

"Aw, come on, there's a cookie in it for Yu!"

"Why would I want a cookie?" Kanda asked coldly.

"I have this weird feeling that there was just a really bad pun on Kanda's name," Lenalee shrugged, "I suggest we don't go though, considering there's probably a Mary Sue waiting for Kanda."

"Hm, aren't they supposed to be perfect and bubbly but with dark pasts?" Lavi scratched his head, "But Yu-chan could do with some romance—" Kanda didn't allow the bookman in training to finish.

In the tussle that ensued, the Map rolled to Lenalee's feet, she picked it up and flipped it over. Scrawled there in Tiedoll's barely legible handwriting was the name of a café.

"I think I know where the café is…"

"Let's go then!"

"Hell no!"

"I'll pass too."

"GRAB YU-CHAN!"

"What's with the bag, Lavi?"

"You're making it look like a kidnapping…"

"LET GO OF ME YOU IDIOT!"

* * *

"There! In the ominous looking cloak!" Lavi jumped up and down and pointed to a hooded and cloaked figure. He sighed, "I expected something sexier…" and was promptly smacked on the head by Lenalee. "Anyway!" Lavi returned happily to bunny mode, "We've crossed the bridge of death, scaled the industrial buildings of doom and destruction and arrived at the tall mountain of destruction."

Lenalee looked around to see if a giant crater full of magma would appear. Nope.

Kanda, slicing open the rucksack that he had been ensconced in the entire trip, decided to cut to the chase, "Hey! You there!" He prodded figure with an unsheathed Mugen. The figure turned and the hood of her cloak slipped off, leaving Kanda to stare at… himself. "What the hell!"

"Woah! It's a cosplayer!"

"I'm not a cosplayer," the second Kanda snapped, "I'm Fem!Kanda."

"Oh my god! Yu-chan! It's even worse than we had thought! It's one of those users who make up Japanese names and add the last name of bishies to them!"

"Fem! Stands for FEMALE!" Fem!Kanda snarled back.

"Female doesn't sound like a Japanese name," Lavi pouted, "At least pick something pretty."

"Uh," Lenalee tapped his shoulder, "She means she's a female Kanda."

"Exactly, Female Kanda, that's the lamest name I've ever heard of. At least pick something like Me Kanda or They Kanda…" Mugen found it's way towards Lavi.

"Lavi," the Chinese exorcist patted his shoulder, "She means she's the female version of Kanda. Therefore, her name is Yu Kanda, but she's is female, a girl, a lady, two y chromosomes."

"Oh!" Lavi dodged Mugen, "And here I thought it was just some bad naming."

"It must be awful," Lenalee patted Fem!Kanda's shoulder.

"Well, not for the people who want Kanda and Allen to have babies…" Lavi sang.

"Shut up, stupid bunny!" both Kandas snarled at the same time.

"Haven't we already gone through this?" Lenalee sighed.

"Jeez… and here I thought that a female Kanda would be more sensitive and shit."

"And I thought you were operating for a G-rated audience," Lenalee sighed again.

"She isn't cute at all," Lavi examined Fem!Kanda, "In fact, Yu-chan looks more like a Fem!Kanda…" he gestured at the drag clad Kanda.

"Shut up! I'm tomboyish!"

"She's probably madly in love with the incredibly sexy me too," Lavi sighed rather mournfully.

"Hell no!"

"Allen then?"

Fem!Kanda's only reply was to flip her middle finger at the redhead.

"Anyway," Lenalee tried to steer the conversation into a different direction, "why the date with Kanda—er, your male self—then?"

"She has a diabolical plot to replace Kanda and send him to the land of Fem! Characters," Lavi replied sagely.

"Idiot," the real Kanda glared at Lavi.

"Come on! It was a good guess!"

The real Kanda's eyebrow twitched.

"And then Yu-chan could live out his existence with all the Fem! Saksukes and Allens…"

The real Kanda reached for Mugen.

It was Fem!Kanda who got there first, drawing her identical copy of Mugen and trying to skewer Lavi, "I wasn't the one who asked to be fed some random potion, dumped into a pool of innocence, or born female!" she howled.

"Whoa, touchy," the redhead danced away from the sharp object and nearly impaled himself on Kanda's Mugen, "Stop waving those things around! You could kill someone!"

"THAT'S THE IDEA!"

"Y-y-you know," Lavi panted as he hid behind Lenalee, "I think that two Kandas are too much for the world."

"You think?" Lenalee asked dryly, "I know."

"Still, why does Fem!Kanda want a date with her male counterpart? It sounds like incest…"

"Shut the hell up," Fem!Kanda slumped into a chair, "I have my reasons."

"And they are?"

"I want to replace Kanda and send him to the Fem! World," she replied without skipping a beat.

"See? I was right! I was right!" Lavi prodded Lenalee with a triumphant grin.

"And why?" Kanda pointed Mugen at Fem!Kanda, completely activating antisocial mode.

"Because I've fallen for Lenalee."

"Oh, hell no!"

* * *

Allen wandered down the road, holding Map in one hand and sipping the mango juice in the other. After having declined the offer to join the group, he had gotten worried, halfway through his third cake, and had decided to make sure that no one had died, although the camera hanging around his neck told a different story.

There!

He hurried up to the café door and opened it with a jingle.

"Hey, you guys," the white haired exorcist called out and then stopped abruptly as he saw his worst nightmare.

Both Kandas turned with equally pissed expressions towards Allen.

"I'm dreaming, aren't I?" Allen blabbered, "I ate a really bad chicken leg and now I'm dreaming."

"Sorry, Allen," Lavi patted his shoulder understandingly.

During the distraction, a very traumatized Lenalee quickly crawled through the ventilation shaft and made her escape.

"Where's Lenalee?" the white haired boy looked around.

"Ah! Lenalee! My love!" one Kanda cried out in agony.

"I asked for sensitive, not creepy prince charming!" the apprentice Bookman sighed with an irritated expression that mirrored that of his master.

"M-m-my love?" Allen stuttered. He turned towards Lavi, "Are you sure that's Kanda?"

"Oh, that's Fem!Kanda," the redhead replied nonchalantly.

"Fem…?"

"Don't make me go through this again," the aforementioned Kanda sighed.

"Apparently she has the hots for Lenalee," Lavi adjusted his eye patch, "Which sort of ruins the entire point of having a Fem!Kanda in the first place, eh?"

"We don't pick who we love," Fem!Kanda shrugged, "The authors do."

"And yet I have yet to see a Fem!Kanda Lenalee fic," Lavi cocked his eyebrow.

"You just have," Fem!Kanda snapped and ran through the door screaming, "Lenalee my love!" before she is promptly cut down by an irritated Kanda.

"You're ruining my image," the swordsman growled.

Lenalee popped from her hiding place in the ceiling, "You didn't have to kill her."

The prone figure on the ground moved a little bit, "…L-L-Lena…lee… c-c-come…"

"No," the Chinese girl replied firmly and strode out the door.

Lavi patted Fem!Kanda's shoulder, "Tough luck, kid."

The rest of the exorcists filed out the door, leaving Fem!Kanda lying there to slowly die off. Except a cliché shadow popped up in front of Fem!Kanda. We think she was revived and swore her eternal vengeance, but we're not sure, since funding was cut.

* * *

"Say," Lavi put his arms behind his head, "Do you like dressing as a girl or something Yu-chan? 'Cause you're still in drag."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"Kyaa! Kanda-sama, I love you too!"

"STOP PRETENDING TO BE A FANGIRL!"

"I know you're disappointed that Fem!Kanda loved another woman, but we can look up Fem!Allen in the yellow pages and see if she loves you…"

"DIE!"

"Ooh! A Bookman star!"

"Seriously, Lavi, you'll never be half the children's idol that Dora is."

"Ooh, that's harsh Lena."

"ALL OF YOU JUST DIE!"

"Say, where's Allen?"

"He's sitting in the corner and mumbling to himself about two Kandas."

"Oh yeah, what was your favorite part of this adventure?" Lavi skipped, "My favorite part was when—ACK! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YU-CHAN?"

"DIE!"

* * *

**A/N:** Whoa! A character death! This is serious stuff! (Not) but let's have a moment of silence for Fem!Kanda… Oh and Lavi the Bookman wants to know what _your_ favorite part of this adventure is. If you've never laid eyes on a Dora the Explorer episode, I'm sorry if you didn't get some of this. When you have a four-year-old sister who doesn't hesitate to jump on bandwagons, you hear a lot of Dora the Explorer. Just be glad I haven't gotten desperate enough to call upon the higher entity Barney. (That'll be when I finally crack under the strain of hearing the 'I love you' song one too many times...)

Next chapter, we get plot. It's going to be painful. And it's going to be called, 'My crayons are better than your crayons.' If the website will let me fit that many words into a chapter title. Finally I'll start to answer questions that people have had on Kanda and the reason he never noticed he was in drag.

Review?


	8. My Crayons are Better than Your Crayons

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**New Summary: **After Lavi inadvertently stumbles onto a demonic website, the entire exorcist gang is suddenly assuaged by fanfiction clichés and really strange love triangles are born. Complete and total CRACK.

**A/N: **It's been ages, hasn't it? I'm really sorry! I'm in China right now and I've been kind of busy, so sorry for leaving all of you hanging. As you can see, I put up a new summary though.

And as for Miranda, her scene is channeled from a childhood nightmare that came from watching a rated R movie sometime in third grade. (It was at a party and no one was paying attention…)

* * *

Chapter 8: My Crayons are Better than Your Crayons

Miranda stepped tentatively down the hallway. She shuffled past open doors, her head down, twitching sporadically, her face pale. "W-w-where… is it?" she mumbled to herself, "W-where…" Inwardly, she cursed herself as a failure and was about to rush to the window and make a big leap when she saw it. Eyes widening in delight, Miranda made a dash for the door in question, but something zoomed by her with a speed reminiscent of the Matrix. It zoomed back, cackling madly.

"I'M NOT SMITH!" Miranda screamed, "DON'T KILL ME NEO!"

The figure stopped, "What?" Komui looked at her strangely.

"I-I-I'm SORRY! I THOUGHT I WAS IN A RECURRING NIGHTMARE! I'LL PUNISH MYSELF!" Miranda began putting one foot out the window.

Komui sighed and just walked away.

Grumbling to herself, Miranda resumed her journey. A part of her mind wondered what Komui was doing in this part of the Order.

* * *

"kanda i love you," allen said.

"kanda i love you more," lavi said.

both of them hugged kanda and the all got married and never tried to romance my precious Lenalee ever again.

* * *

"What is this?" Kanda brandished the paper in front of Lenalee.

"Oh, I love playing charades," Lenalee scrutinized the Japanese swordsman, "Uh, you're… fanning something? No? Uh… trying to give Allen a paper cut? No?"

"I'M ASKING YOU WHAT THE HELL IS ON THIS PAPER!" Kanda snarled.

Lenalee raised an eyebrow and took the sheet of paper from Kanda's waving hand, "Uh… eh… huh… never tried to romance my precious Lenalee…" she looked balefully at Kanda, "Where did you find this?"

"Hey, Lenalee, what's that?" the paper was snatched from Lenalee's hand. Allen glanced at it, before dropping it like a hot coal and swiftly backing away from the Chinese exorcist, his eyes wide. He banged into Kanda, turned, stared at the Japanese man with a haunted expression and then sprinted full speed for the cafeteria. He hoped that Jerry had made the Meatball special.

"Hey," Lavi sauntered up to his fellow exorcists, "Allen just ran past me looking like he saw a Cross again… Hm, what's this?" he picked up the paper that had been discarded on the floor, "Wow, even Komui has fantasies… even though they're badly punctuated and written in crayon."

"So it was written by sister complex," Kanda fingered Mugen contemplatively.

"As if the 'my precious Lenalee' didn't give it away," Lavi smirked, "Although, I guess it could've been Bak, but then he breaks out in hives when he writes the word 'Lenalee'."

Lenalee delivered a blow to Lavi's head with a nearby book.

"Say, Yu-chan," Lavi examined his friend, "Why did you change out of your drag…?"

Kanda snarled in reply.

"Was it the dress code?" Lavi asked blithely.

Kanda reached for Mugen.

"Oh yeah, due to popular demand I gave Fem!Allen a call…" Lavi trailed off.

Kanda's eyes widened.

Lenalee watched with a bemused expression.

"She said some really mean things," Lavi continued tearfully, "She hurt my feelings."

The following exchange was censored.

* * *

_BAM!_ The gavel slammed into the desk loudly. The various science department members looked up with hollow eyes as Komui once again slammed the wooden object on the desk.

"EVERYONE!" Komui jumped up on the said desk, "WE SHALL NOW COMMENCE—"

"No," Reever sipped his lemon soda, "No."

Komui continued on unaffected, "—OPERATION DESTROY LENALEE'S LOVE!"

"No! No! No!" the Australian jumped up, "No!"

"How do you even know she has a love?" Johnny added.

"BECAUSE—"

"Dude, stop using all caps," Yoshi popped up, "They're really hard to type."

"Are you channeling the author, or something?" Komui asked dryly, before continuing, "Examine the following side show." Deftly sliding a screen over, he tapped it.

After several seizure inducing graphics, an image of Lenalee blowing a kiss to an unforeseen person in her room slides into the screen. "View display A, the subject is shown blowing a kiss to an unseen person or object. Since there is no camera view of the room itself, it is up to conjecture as to whom this show of affection is directed."

Most of the Science department members who weren't having seizures where hastily tuning out Komui and his next sentence, which was beyond doubt going to be homicidal.

"View display B," pictures of Kanda, Allen and Lavi replaced the Lenalee image, "The following exorcists are possible subjects of Lenalee's infatuation. Our objective is to discover which one of them is the subject of her love and destroy him," a very nice nuclear mushroom graphic incinerated the three exorcists.

"Don't you think that that's a bit extreme?" Johnny tentatively raised his hand.

"OF COURSE NOT!" tears cascaded down Komui's face, "IF IT IS MY PRECIOUS LENALEE AT STAKE, ANY PRICE IS WORTH PAYING!"

"Don't you think she'll be a bit mad?"

"I'M DOING THIS FOR HER GOOD!" the Supervisor screamed back tearfully.

"Uh, why do we have anything to do with this?" Reever sipped his soda.

"Because," Komui smirked craftily, "If you don't, I shall slash your paychecks."

"Go ahead, we don't have anywhere to spend it anyway…"

"Then, make you pull all-nighters all next week?"

"We already will."

"I'll eat all your noodles?"

"Where the hell did that come from?"

"Uh… I'LL INCINERATE ALL THE FINNISHED PAPERWORK!" Flamethrower in hand, Komui began to make do with his threat.

"No!" the supervisor was jumped by various department members, who found it in their last vestiges of strength to pin down the ever energetic Komui. Bucket brigades swung into action to prevent further damage.

"Hm, then will you do it?" the Chinese man smiled craftily from under the pile of science department workers.

The Science Department became a war camp, feelings of animosity towards whomever Lenalee had decided to love ran high.

Yoshi started a side bet on which of the three Lenalee had chosen to favor.

* * *

"_First, Operative A will enter the Cafeteria to distract Objective A and render him incapable of counterattack, if it is found that he is the one."_

Tap stumbled blearily into the Cafeteria, relieved that he had been assigned to the relatively harmless Allen, who appeared as if he was going to do the job himself, if the plate loads of meatballs and his own bloated expression were any testimony of the fact.

* * *

"_Second, Operative B will find Objective B and prevent his daily meditation session with the Subject."_

Johnny cursed his luck. Why the hell did he get saddled with Kanda? The Kanda who would skewer him the moment he came within a two-mile radius with him, the Kanda who didn't hesitate to threaten his way to the last bowl of soba, the Kanda who would—Oh god! It's him! Johnny felt his knees gain the consistency of jello and he promptly collapsed.

* * *

"_Lastly, Operative C will bring some documents to the Library that are pertinent to the hidden history of the Bookmen to distract Objective C."_

Out of all the battle plans Reever had decided that this had the lowest percentage of succeeding. There was a twenty percent chance that Lavi wasn't evading the grasp of the Bookman and was diligently working. A mere seven percent chance that the redhead was even paying attention to what he was doing. And lastly, a point five percent chance that Lavi would welcome the extra work and wouldn't attempt to savage Reever.

In total, that would make the percentage of success of this venture a miniscule .007.

Reever was already drafting his will. (And there is a hundred percent chance that, it told the said contents of the document, that Lavi would be able to recite it word for word to the grieving Science Department.)

* * *

"_The Main Body of Operations will enter the Subject's room to discover the source of her affections while the Subject is meditating with Objective B. When the Source is discovered, the Main Body will signal the launch of Part 2 of proceedings."_

Komui crept stealthily down the hallway and ignored the Plan Discrepancy.

The Plan Discrepancy tapped him on the shoulder.

* * *

Tap was getting worried, "Hey Allen…" he shook the delirious exorcist's shoulder, "Are you alright?"

The Destroyer of Time continued to sluggishly shovel meatballs down his throat, "M-m-meat balls…" he mumbled, "M-m-must e-e-eat… m-m-meatballs…"

Tap felt an asthma attack coming on, "A-A-A-ALLEN! DON'T DIE!"

Allen merely increased his meatball intake, "M-m-must drown out… h-horrible… fan…"

The Science department member leaned in closer to see if he could discern the reason for Allen's suicidal behavior, "Drown out what?"

"F-f-fiction…" Allen downed another plate of meatballs.

"Must drown out horrible fan fiction?" Tap puzzled over those cryptic words.

Allen choked on a meatball.

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT," Tap felt himself suddenly becoming delirious, "IF I HADN'T AGREED TO KOMUI'S STUPID PLAN AND COME DOWN HERE, ALLEN WOULDN'T BE DYING! WHAT WOULD MY MOTHER THINK? HER ONLY SON BECOMING A MURDERER?"

A hand shot out and grabbed the screaming Science Department member, "What plan?"

"Oh shit."

* * *

Johnny watched in disbelieve as Kanda stalked by him despite the fact that Johnny himself was writhing on the floor courtesy of a major heart attack. His indignation worked wonders on his heart condition as the bespectacled science department member jumped up furiously, "How DARE YOU?" he snarled.

Kanda stopped dead, fingering Mugen.

"HERE I AM HAVING A MAJOR HEART ATTACK," Johnny raged, "AND YOU JUST WALK BY! JUST LIKE THAT! DO YOU HAVE ANY HUMAN DECENCY IN YOUR HEART?"

Kanda twitched and turned around very slowly.

Johnny was on a roll, "WHAT IF I HAD JUST DIED THERE? HUH? WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE? YOU BASTARD! INHMAN BASTARD!"

Kanda drew Mugen with a hiss.

Too late Johnny realized it was _Kanda_ he was dealing with.

Kanda advanced.

Johnny backed away, "uh… you have pretty hair…?

Apparently, complimenting Kanda's black locks was not the magic word.

"Avada Kedavra?" Johnny continued backing away while pointing a shaking finger at the Japanese exorcist.

Kanda snarled.

"It'sallstupidKomui'sfault! Makingmecomehereonhisstupidplan!" Johnny sobbed out, "WhydoIcareifKandaisLenalee'sstupidlove?"

"What?" Kanda dropped Mugen in surprise.

"Oh shit."

* * *

Reever wondered what were the chances that he would:

a) Find Lavi propped against a wall outside the Library.

b) Trip over him.

c) Discover that the redhead was in critical condition.

Well, he mused, if you factor in the constant that is Kanda, it would actually be a higher percentage than the success rate of his mission. Reever eyed the blood on his hands distastefully and hoped that Lavi didn't happen to contract any blood borne diseases. He eyed the playboy and sighed, might as well add AIDS to the list of things for his next checkup.

A few moments later, he was wondering what where the chances of:

a) Miranda stumbling into the very corridor.

b) Miranda seeing the blood on his hands and Lavi's prone form.

c) Miranda concluding that Reever himself was a serial killer.

Reever decided that he hated probability. He grumbled to himself as he hefted up Lavi's prone form, "Stupid Komui and his stupid plan. Why do I give a damn who Lenalee loves?"

Lavi lifted a bloodstained cheek towards the Australian, "Lenalee loves me?"

"Oh shit."

* * *

Komui realized too late that he had requested that Johnny divert Kanda's effort to rendezvous with Lenalee for meditation. Therefore Lenalee was tapping at his shoulder, smiling innocently, curious as to why her brother had clawed his way out of his paperwork hell hole.

"A-ah! Lenalee!" Komui hastily began forming excuses in his head.

Which one would she buy? Maybe if he said that he missed her… but then generally Reever prevented him from assuaging his pangs. Maybe he could say he was on a simple errand… like delivering dumplings. He could say that he missed the time they used to spend together… coloring her picture books. Ack! She's asking the question.

"What are you doing here, Komui ni-san?"

"Uh… I was… I was… missing y—DUMPLINGS! And I, uh, needed crayons!" Komui desperately wished that his excuse sounded coherent in the slightest to his precious Lenalee.

Confusion clouded his sister's features but then her face cleared and she smiled, "Of course."

"Wha?" Komui checked his ears for particularly large pieces of blockage.

"I believe you," she smiled serenely.

"That's it?" Komui couldn't believe his ears.

"What?" Lenalee looked at him strangely, "You want me to doubt you?"

"Ah… no… NO!" Komui backed away, "You go meditate with Kanda… and I'll go annihilate your love—ACK! I mean, get CRAYONS… GET CRAYONS!"

Lenalee could've sworn that her brother had said 'annihilate your love' she smiled bemusedly, he probably had inhaled too much of substance A.

* * *

"FASTER! FASTER! DAMN YOU! I'D GET THERE FASTER HOBBLING THEN AT THE PACE YOU'RE GOING!"

"I'M ALREADY CARYING YOU! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?"

"WhatshouldIdo? WhatshouldIdo? Reeverisdisposingthecorpse! Iwonthaveanymoreproof! WAIT UP!"

"I'm sorry, Johnny! I have to go, so please don't try to stop me!"

"No! I wont let you! OUR PAPERWORK! OUR PAPERWORK!"

"I'M SORRY! I SAID I WAS SORRY! STOP CHASING ME WITH THAT FREAKISH THING YOU CALL AN INNOCENCE!"

"COME BACK HERE AND DIE!"

It was inevitable that they would come to a messy collision.

Reever considered the probability that the crash would occur right in front of Lenalee and Komui. Counting the many hallways with intersections in the Order, about twelve percent. And you also had to factor in the chances of the entire group colliding infront of Lenalee. Leave it to a day at the Order to screw with his grasp on Mathematics.

* * *

**A/N:** Muhaha…! I was planning on finishing the story on Lenalee and her 'love' but I got really caught up in the entire Operation… so you'll have to wait for the next installment, which will be called 'And the crowd goes wild!'.

Anyway, for those who are reluctant to review since they don't have anything to say, I have a super special remedy for you, just copy and paste the following underlined words into your review:

I support bleached.dragon's bid for world domination.

Simple eh? And you can also copy the words into your profile if you want.

If you support my world conquest or not, please review!


	9. And the crowd goes wild!

**In Retrospect**

By bleached.dragon

**Chapter Summary: **Lenalee rejects our heroes and Komui is just weird.

**A/N: **I noticed that a lot of people haven't written a lot of crack involving _Lenalee_. She might be a catalyst, but in the end, it's always the guys fooling around and I'm guilty of this too. I also noticed that there has been a lot of Lena hate floating around. Therefore I seek to address the issue by centering this chapter around our kickass exorcist (and her brother). I'm such a problem solver… seeking to end Lena hate by writing crack.

Anyway, before I begin, I should note that this chapter is dedicated to my beautiful and kickass cousin Wang Yi Ting, who inspired this chapter. (Despite the fact that you got that stupid song stuck in my head.)

Without further ado…!

* * *

Chapter 9: And the crowd goes wild!

Lenalee didn't quite know what to think upon viewing the mass of tangled, flailing limbs that suddenly came into existence at the intersection in front of her door. The high-pitched screaming was seriously going to damage her property value though.

The Chinese exorcist viewed the human katamari closely and ruled out mass orgy. She also checked massive brawl off her list, just because it would be too much of a pain to wade into the tangle of writing limbs to break off yet another fight.

The rather confused girl turned just in time to see her brother have a seizure on the floor as he watched a perfectly hatched plan crumble, "Komui ni-san?"

Before she could turn, Lavi flung himself at her, screaming, "LENALEE! DO YOU LOVE ME? YOU LOVE ME, RIGHT?"

"He's not dead, you know," Lenalee replied dryly from beneath Lavi's passionate embrace, "Komui ni-san is still breathing as of now," she attempted to disentangle herself from Lavi's sticky embrace, "Now stop trying to give me AIDS."

Lavi pouted, "You have such a dirty mind, Lenalee."

"You're bleeding profusely!" she snapped back.

"Hm, that's not quite the reaction I expected, considering that you have a shrine to me and all," the redhead pouted again.

"What!?" Lenalee wondered where Lavi had gotten that particular delusion, "Shrine? To you?"

"Wait, you don't?" Lavi looked rather put out.

"Hell no!"

"That's because it's for me, isn't it, Lenalee?" Allen stepped forward hopefully, prying Tap's death grip from his exorcist jacket.

Lenalee twitched in a motion very reminiscent of a particular dark haired exorcist who was currently trying to pry Miranda from himself as she hysterically insisted that Reever was a serial killer, "Even you, Allen-kun?"

Allen looked crestfallen, "B-b-but," he sniffed.

"IT'S A GOOD THING!" Tap reattached himself to Allen, "NOW KOMUI WON'T TRY TO KILL YOU!"

"Komui? Kill?" Lenalee flicked a glance toward her spazzing brother, "I hardly think that he could hurt a fly. Maybe a couple of concrete walls, but, beyond that, he's quite harmless."

"It's the concrete wall part we're afraid of," Reever replied dryly, "Especially since those concrete walls tend to fall on people."

"Wait," Lavi sat up, "If it's not me or Allen… then, it's… KANDA?"

"I lost to Bakanda?" Allen couldn't believe his ears.

Kanda doubled his efforts to detach the hysterical Miranda from himself.

"You love Kanda?" Lavi shook the Chinese exorcist, "Are you serious? Are you suicidal? Did you smoke any suspicious substances?"

"The answers are: no, no, no, and check your own weed pipe!"

"Poor Lenalee!" Allen sighed to himself, "She'll be abandoned and then live out her miserable existence all alone destitute with five children."

Lenalee sighed rather mournfully as she viewed the white haired British exorcist, "Why do I have a feeling that you've begun to equate Kanda with Cross?"

"You actually love Kanda? I can't believe it!" Allen looked mortified.

"I knew there was more to their meditation sessions," Lavi sighed.

"I don't love any of you!" Lenalee snarled, irritated, "When did you even get the idea?"

The entire group, which surprisingly included Kanda, pointed accusingly at Komui.

Lenalee twitched, "Komui."

"…"

"Komui!"

"Hold on a bit, Lenalee dearest, your brother is having a seizure."

"KOMUI!"

"All right! All right!"

"Explain," Lenalee snarled and Lavi suddenly had a vision of the short hair morphing into a straight ponytail.

"I have photographic evidence!" Komui replied, terrified, "You blowing a kiss to something or someone."

"Oh that," Lenalee blushed a bit.

"So you do have a love!" Komui cast off all appearances of having a seizure, "MUST KILL!"

Lenalee sighed, "If you don't break anything, I'll show you."

"I promise."

"Don't cross your fingers!"

"All right! All right!"

"Jeez, I feel like your mother," Lenalee opened her door slowly and the assembled Order residents crowded around to see the rumored object of Lenalee's love.

"Ah!" Lavi, who managed to worm his way beside the Chinese girl, fell back, rubbing his dazzled eyes.

"Let me see!" Allen looked over Lavi's shoulder, "Oh lord!" he too, fell back.

"Why are you idiots making such a big deal over this—" Kanda barged into the scene and immediately feel silent.

"Kanda too?" Johnny surged forward, incredulous, closely followed by Tap, "Whoa!" Johnny fell down like a ninepin and Tap followed suit, mute.

"Stop being so melodramatic," Reever stepped over the defeated exorcists and scientist before coming to an abrupt halt, "Oh… my…"

Lenalee is watching the entire proceedings with an amused expressing.

"Pleasedon'tbeTykkiMik, pleasedon'tbeTykkiMik!" Komui clasped his hands in prayer as he stumbled forward, "Oh… God…"

Lenalee waited for the impending seizure.

"I…"

"Yes?" the Chinese exorcist was holding back a fit of giggles.

"I… think… I'M IN LOVE!" Komui began salivating and rushed into his sister's room.

"WHAT?" his sister immediately stopped giggling, then burst out laughing, "Oh… god…" she chortled, "I always thought your berets were gay… but…" she subsided into another fit of helpless laughter.

"You're a bit less mortified than I thought you would be," Lavi commented, having somewhat recovered. He still avoided looking directly into Lenalee's room, "Who is that anyway?"

"That?" Lenalee smiled.

"Yes that!" Allen seemed to have bounced back somewhat.

"Oh, that," Lenalee shrugged offhandedly.

"Just. Tell. Us." Kanda snarled as he slowly heaved himself up, leaning heavily against the wall.

The Chinese exorcist's smile widened.

"Tell us!" Tap and Johnny cried in unison.

"I dunno," Lenalee smiled again.

"Stop being dramatic," Reever tried to pry Komui away from Lenalee's room.

"B-b-but…" Miranda peered confusedly into the room, "That's just a guy…"

"Which is why I think that they are all gay," Lenalee sniffed and then gestured into the room, "That," she announced, "Is a man named Tezuka Kunimitsu," she smirked at her brother, "He has the distinction of being a fictional character."

"What the hell! You're a fangirl?" Lavi sat bolt upright.

Lenalee laughed.

"I can't wait to break that news to the Supervisor," Reever tried in vain to release Komui's stranglehold from the poster on the wall, "Supervisor! Supervisor!"

"Be quiet! I'm with my one and only love!" Komui replied tearfully.

"Your 'one and only love'," Reever snarled back, "Is a fictional character!"

"I DON'T BELIVE YOU!"

"He's from—" Reever looked questioningly at Lenalee.

"Prince of Tennis," she supplied.

"Prince of Tennis!" Reever shook the Chinese man.

"I DON'T HEAR YOU! I DON'T HEAR YOU!" Komui covered his ears.

"How old are you?" Lenalee asked, "Six?"

"You're just jealous!" her brother snarled back.

"You know…" Lenalee tapped her chin, "I kind of am," a strange look came over her face, "That sounded so wrong in so many ways."

"My precious," Komui rubbed his face affectionately against the poster, "We'll be together forever."

"Did he fall for the poster or the guy?" the Chinese girl walked over to a drawer.

"He is kind of hot," Lavi looked the poster from another angle.

"That was way too much information!" Lenalee called out of the room.

"I thought you were planning on incinerating Lenalee's love," Reever shook his supervisor's shoulder, irritated.

"Yes, but now I kill two birds with one stone!" Komui replied childishly, "I'll seduce him so he'll stay away from Lenalee and be my love!"

"But he's fictional!" Allen has long accepted that Komui wasn't sane.

"ON WITH THE FANFICTION WRITING!" Komui raised his crayon.

"Dear god," Lavi drawled, "Lenalee x Tezuka is already mind numbing, not to mention Komui x Tezuka."

"It'd be more of a one sided love triangle," Kanda informed the group, who were already too stunned to access the out of character-ness.

Lenalee raised her eyebrows and threw something at her brother, "Here!"

Komui caught the key chain, "My love!"

"The poster's mine though," Lenalee patted the poster possessively, "Oh… my precious Tezuka. I wont let him take you away!"

"And thus, the Lee siblings are alike," Lavi commented dryly, "Any one else want to fall head over heels in love with a hot bishie?"

"I'm not interesting in guys with glasses," Allen sat down stubbornly, forcing himself to avoid the allure of the incredibly pretty boy.

Lavi sighed, "I was talking about the incredibly sexy me."

"I have learned in my fifteen long years to never trust mysterious men with red hair," Allen replied stubbornly to the self proclaimed hot bishie."

"Dude, are you talking about Cross again?"

"Uh…"

"Speak of the devil! There he is!"

"What? Where?" Allen looked around frantically.

"Psyche," Lavi smirked, "Oh, and this is where Kanda jumps my bones."

"You wish."

"Allen's then?"

"Idiot," Kanda stalked off.

"Bitchy princess," Lavi retorted, "He's probably in love with himself."

"I have learned not the put it over him," Allen watched Kanda break into a run as he turned the corner.

"Dude, are you having an orgasm on that poster?" Lavi rushed forward towards Lenalee.

Allen covered his eyes in horror.

* * *

"My love!" Komui clutched the key chain to his chest, "You are my one and only true love!"

"You know," Lavi smirked, "At least Lenalee has the decency to be a closet fangirl…"

"Shut up!" Lenalee seemed to have reverted to normal, having left the confines of her room.

Komui ignored him, "My precious!" he wrapped his fingers tightly around the Tezuka key chain.

"And here comes the Lord of the Rings parody," Lavi added dryly.

Lenalee looked around, "What happened to the rest of the peanut gallery?"

"They ran away from your weirdness."

"And you?"

"Considering that I'm in critical condition and you wheeled me here," the redhead replied from his wheelchair, "I don't have much of a choice, do I?"

"Oh, sorry."

"Anyway," the apprentice bookman continued cheerfully, "I am awaiting a Lee sibling catfight."

A wheelchair went crashing out of the tenth story window.

* * *

**A/N:** Yes, my cousin is a rabid Tezuka fan. I have another cousin who is a rabid Fuji fan. God, I'm surrounded by rabid fangirls, my own fangirl status notwithstanding. I'm sorry if anyone was weirded out by this chapter, I blame it on the six mosquito bites in the last two days. Anyway, I bet no one can tell me that LenaleexTezukaxKomui has been done before.

Dude, I have a cousin named Coca-Cola (in Chinese) and it's not a nickname. It's freaking on his birth certificate. How I learned this…? Something called a massive family reunion… thirty odd people and apparently half the people were missing… not to mention it was only on my grandfather's side.

My weird stories aside, the next chapter will feature Noahs! And shall be called 'Thriller'. Whoever figures out the meaning of the title will get bonus points. Speaking of this chapter, my review request of the chapter is for you to send me all of your best bad pickup lines, because someone will be saying them and I shall credit you.

Ki Ki Ke, I learned another weird phrase! (Anyone who figures out what it means will get a cookie.)

And apologies to my beta, UnboundWings, I've been to damn lazy to send these chapters to you.


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